posted April 26, 2000 12:53 AM            

quote:

---

Once again and always some more, in the land of the -Ites trouble brews. Drazen Isle, despite being blown up several times more than Cloud City ever was, continues to be the center of -Iteness in a universe horribly off track. George Lucas disavows any knowledge of this story now, and not even Kevin J. Anderson dares dip into it's insanity.

It is a time of big guns, fast ships, and little blue circus midgets. The Empire is dead (and I mean it this time!), so are Han Solo and Princess Leia, and everytime I try to go to the bathroom, the rabid aardvark chases me away. I swear, if it wasn't for the beach, I'd have exploded by now.

Er, but anyway, yeah, the -Ites are having this problem, I think, which will probably be revealed in a post or two. Either that or the thread will die an excruciating death, whichever comes first. So, like on with the story, or something.

---

"I don’t care how drunk you are, come down off of there and put your pants back on." The cyborg Jedi and Sherrif of Drazen Isle known only as Pax glared up at RobX, who was currently doing a pantless jig from the balcony of A Jedi’s Robe. "Right now, pal," Pax added. "Don’t make me come up
there with a Censored sign and a stapler."

"I’m coming, I’m coming," Rob mumbled as he started climbing back down to street level. "You’re no fun anymore, Pax."

"You’ll thank me in the morning," Pax returned. "If Void had seen you before I had, you’d never have heard the end of it. There’d be nothing but Vienna Sausage jokes for the next three weeks."

Rob gave Pax a confused look. "What do you mean by that?"

Pax just patted him on the back and started leading him back to the Cantina Cloud. "I’ll explain it to you in the morning."

"Oh, all right," the -Ite said sleepily. "I don’t remember what I was asking anyway."

"Uh-huh," Pax replied as they approached the Cantina. Just then, they noticed a bright light streaking through the sky.

"I wonder whad dat ish?" Rob asked.

posted April 26, 2000 04:01 PM            

"Drop it, Fuurgh!" shouted Maheda, a half robotic, half humanoid ninja Jew. Fuurgh had stolen his specially made lightsaber.

"Neener neener! Catch it, Shrewie!" said the annoying little monkey.

"OK!" Shrew lept up into the air and tried to catch Maheda's lightsaber. Fortunately, Speak intervened and grabbed his lightsaber.

"I don't want you guys to break this... Maheda might need it, or something."

"WAHH! We were just having fun!" cried Fuurgh and Shrew.

"Whatever, go have fun without minor theft. Like, go find Rob and hump him! He's drunk off his ass, so he should be easy pickins... wait, what's that?"

Speak, Fuurgh, Shrew, and Maheda all looked up at the skies. A bright, almost blinding, light travelled along the dark sky.

"Ooohh... bright!" said Shrew.

posted April 26, 2000 04:37 PM            

"MINE!", yelled CEO.

"GONK!!!", gonked Gonk.

"I'm telling you, she wants me you freggin' box! All the chicks want me! Hell, you're a droid, you can't even.. do.. anything with her. Buzz off!"

"GONK! GONK GONK GONK GOOOOOOOOOOOONK!"

"Oh bullshit, she's mine dammit!"

Suddenly the old-western style saloon doors flung open, and in walked Ani, the 3rd resident -ite 'Naboo queen' chaser.

"Hey, I told both of you to stay out of here!", he cried, drawning a blaster.

"GONK!!", cried Gonk in despair.

"Bah.. I host you you phool! You can't do anything to me without losing your precious screenshot archive! Then there will be no Naboo queen for you!!!", CEO said, with a smirk.

"Oh yeah?!"

"Good comeback chief."

"Gonk gonk gonk.", gonked Gonk in agreement.

"Well... uhh... well... hmmm.. uhhh.. SCREW YOU FOR JUDGING ME!!", Ani said, running off.

Soon enough a few drunken cries were heard from the street: "Hey ---- AHHH!!! -- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?! -------- MY LEG!!! -- NOOOOOOO!!! --- THAT'S A STAIN!! --- HELP!!"

CEO looked to his boxy friend and headed outside. Gonk looked to the hot bartendress (see I did come up with a name for her), who promptly slipped him her address and number. Hopping off his chair, the box with legs heads out after CEO...

"It's just Shrew and Fuurgh... again..", said CEO, motioning toward the bushes.

*Muffled scream* "GUYS!! GET THEM OFF!!"

"Gonk gonk..", gonked Gonk.

"Hey.. what the hell is that?", queried CEO, pointing toward a bright blue thingy in the sky.

*Muffled scream* "NOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN! WHO SENT YOU!! NOOO!!! THAT'S MY GOOD SHIRT!!! AHHHHH!!! HEY!! HEY!! AHHH!!! CEO!! GONK!! HEEEEELP!!!"

"Gonk... Gonk Gooooooonk..", the droid said in despair.

"Oh no.. another forced plot line. Here we go again! Better start looking for Speak.."

posted April 26, 2000 05:05 PM            

He stared in awe for several minutes, before he realized that if he didn't get back inside he would miss the first decapitation scene.

He ran back to his seat, and just as he was about to sit down the bright streak smashed through the ceiling and into the theatres screen.

posted April 26, 2000 08:05 PM            

Void ZoSo and an unfamiliar person walked along the docks.

"....and watch out for the monkey-like fellow with the big eye." ZoSo finished saying.

"Why?" His companion grunted.

"Um...."ZoSo said...."Just trust me on this one."

"So let me get this straight..." the man said, "you're gonna go back to the Void, and I'm supposed to stay here and...."

"....keep an eye on these people..." ZoSo finished, "just make sure they don't go blowing themselves up, and don't let the new ones get too much self esteem!"

"Right..." the man said. He didn't have a name, but he was refered to as Cactus Void. He was a mercenary and illegal arms dealer who had supplied the Void council with arms during the War. But with a the void politically unstable as it is, the news of illegal arms being used by the Council during the war could be devestating. So it was necessary to "hide him out" for awhile, and Drazen Isle seemed as good of a place as any.

"Well," ZoSo said, "that's about it....oh, and one more thing, Cactus...."

"Yeah?"

"Try to avoid killing any of them. I know it's tempting but...."

"Yeah yeah, sure fine," Cactus grunted.

Suddenly a streak of bright light tore across the sky and smashed into the main city on Drazen Isle.

"What the hell was that?" Cactus asked as both men turned towards the city.

"I dunno," ZoSo said, "but for once, I'm happy to say, it's not my problem! Bye!"

"But wait, I--" Cactus tried to say, but was interrupted as ZoSo leaped through a portal back to the Void.

posted April 27, 2000 02:06 AM            

"Waz, what the hell are you doing out here?!", cried CEO.

"Huh, wha? What?", Wazzit said, groggily.

"You haven't been up all night working on PV again have you?"

"Uhhh... no.. nope."

"GONK! GONK GONK GONK!", gonked Gonk wearily.

"So what were you doing out here?", asked CEO.

"Ok.. fine. So I WAS working on PV. So what?! You got a problem with that?!?"

"What were you doing?"

"Working on a new layout. I think it rules. Check it out."

CEO mosied (sp?) on over to the datapad Waz was holding. "Uhhh.. what's with all the pink.. and.. the..... flowers?", he asked.

"What? You don't like it do you? You think it sucks don't you? DON'T YOU?!? You're just like all the rest of them! IT RULES DAMMIT!! RULES!!! SCREW YOU FOR JUDGING ME!!! SUGOI!!!"

"Gooonk..?", muttered the power droid.

*random swearing*

"You done yet Waz?"

"Hmmm... uhhh.. lemme check." *5 minutes pass* "Yeah, pretty much."

"Ok.. well, let's get on over to the square, gotta check in with the other losers and all.", said CEO.

"What for?", queried Wazzit.

"Didn't you see that big blue thing in the sky, with the fire, and the burning, and the big streak?"

"Nope."

"Oh.. well.. uhh.. forced plotline."

"Ah. Same old same old."

"Let's move out.", said CEO, walking off.

"C'mon Gonk! You're slow! Get longer legs!", cried Waz.

"Gonk gonk gonk gonk..", mumbled the droid, scurrying along after them...

posted April 27, 2000 05:34 PM            

"Thren, are you ok?" asked Rob

"Thren, hehehe, Im Ydon, Nonono! Im RiazArtz, teehehehe, thren is dead, Ydon am I, hehehe *** . IM *** !!!"

"What the fuck are you talking about? Are you drunk? ...Whatever that thing is, Its made thren scitzo"

posted April 27, 2000 05:40 PM            

"Hey guys, ermmm, do we know what that is yet??" queried Mart

"Nope" replied Maheda "We're just gonna keep stareing at it until we find out what it is"

posted April 27, 2000 05:58 PM            

Arby sat hunched over his desk. Dylan sat at the computer typing. Lately, they hadn't been working much at Chronicles due to other obligations. The building, however, had been empty for a while so they figured they had better clean up, at least until they could get it going again.

Seated facing the window, Dylan was the first to notice it. A bright light first caught his attention, but it was the growing crowd in the square that made him wonder. Arby, facing away from the window and too absorbed in his work to notice, continued writing.

"Hey, Arby," Dylan said, his eyes fixed on the mob in the square. "You ought to be seeing this."

Arby slowly turned his chair around and took a long look down. Wide-eyed, he turned to face Dylan. They glanced at each other with a look that signaled their editorial instincts had kicked in.

"SEND DOWN A REPORTER!" they both screamed.

Both -ites jumped up and scrambled to the roster scribbled on a chalkboard hanging on the wall. Only two names were listed, surrounding by evidence of many erasures. Turning their attentions to the desk, they each grabbed a pad and pencil. As fast as they could, they grabbed their coats and ran out the door, trying to get to the mob waiting in the square--but more importantly, to whatever had brought the mob to the square.

This was definitely going to be interesting.

posted April 27, 2000 08:33 PM            

Thren/Ydon/RiArtZ looked over the side of the crater and giggled. "IT'S COMING!!!!", he cried.

"Huh? What the hell?", said Cactus Void.

The figure emerging from the crater jerked slightly, and slid a bit deeper into the crater. Everyone stood, mandibles swaying in the wind, at this spectacle. Then their attention spans kicked in. "Alright! Alright! It's been, what? Thirty seconds?! That's long enough for a grand entrance! Let's just get to the part where we kick this thing's ass already!!", cried Pax.

"Yeah! And the beer and chicks!", CEO added.

"GONK! GOOOONK!", gonked Gonk in agreement.

Pax, being one of the leaders and all, pulled Cho out of the crater, and, being the intuitive type, knew exactly what to say. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?"

"Well", clammered Cho, "it's.. it's..."

posted April 27, 2000 08:48 PM            

"I came as fast as I could. I had to finish up on 18 and then..", heavy breathing, "ran all the way down here." More heavy breathing. "What happened?"

"Hey Four, guess what?", Dylan said.

"Uh.... what?" he replied.

"Drazen doesn't happen to have a golf course."

"Uh... well... I was uh.... um..." Fourwood sputtered.

"Yeah yeah yeah. You should think up better excuses. Those fourgasms must go straight to the brain." Speak said.

"Anyway." Fourwood pointed to the hole in the floor. "What's in there?"

posted April 27, 2000 09:03 PM            

"Shut up Thren" The -ites said in unison.

"I'm not Thren! I'm, I'm, YDON!"

posted April 27, 2000 10:35 PM            

"A mercenary and illegal arms dealer," Cactus replied roughly. "Why, you need some?"

"No, I've already got two, thanks."

"It's over on your side, Speak," Arby called as he peered through the smoke.

"I see it," the other replied. "I got it."

Without warning, a huge hand, its nails dark and unkempt, its skin pale and sickly, reached out, grabbed Speak by the face, and yanked him into the deep smoke. "Wrong," came a deep, scratchy voice from out of -Ite sight, followed by a menacing, throaty chuckled.

"Oh great, another lame cookie cutter villian," CEO groaned.

"Gonk a gonka gonk!" Gonk a-gonked.

"Wait, guys," Cho protested weakly from near the outside of the -Ite circle. "You don't..."

"Shhh," came the voice from inside the smoke. "You'll give away the surprise."

"Whatever," Arby said, putting his pen away and pulling out his trusty DHS. "Let's get this overwith already."

"If you insist," the other replied, and with a sudden rush of motion, a massive form burst from the smoke, plowing into Arby and knocking him back as if he were filled with those little styrofoam packing peanuts.

As it turned out, the dude was huge, muscled, and wearing typical spacer's garb. The only thing was, the guy didn't look like he'd taken a bath or even taken off his clothes in the last five years. His black hair was long and ratty, his pale skin was hairy, dirty, and seemed some how diseased, and his grimmy face was as cruel as Arby's chin is small.

"Yow," Waz said, reflexively drawing his pistol and firing. Unfortunately, the big man swatted the blaster bolt away with his hand as if swatting away a fly.

"Hey, this one's been to the Darth Vader school of Dark Jedi-ing," Ydon commented.

Pulling out his bright blue lightsaber, which had begun to tarnish from disuse, Pax stepped forward. "I guess it's time to get classic trilogy on his ass, then."

"Try me, bionic boy," the tall, light stranger laughed.

Charging, Pax swiped at the voluminous villain, but said bad guy simply caught the saber blow on his blacked forearm gauntlet, which stopped the energy blade cold. The giant grinned, and Pax tried again, but again, the pale man caught the lightsaber blade easily enough on his gauntlet. Trying once more, Pax flipped over the man, spinning as he landed, but the man was ready. Grabbing a broken wooden beam from the shattered Theater wall, the big man not only avoided Pax's blade, but also cracked the cyborg Jedi across the face with the big beam, dropping him like a bad habit.

"Anybody else?" the giant asked. "Or can I just massacre you now?" He raised his eyebrows expectantly. "Eh? Come'on, don't be shy. Line up for the blood letting."

"Who are you?" Dylan asked, notebook still in hand.

The giant grinned. "Call me Skinner."

posted April 27, 2000 11:15 PM            

"That's correct, phools."

"OMG! HEY SPELLS PHOOLS WITH A PH!! THAT'S INHUMAN!!", Fuurgh cried.

Just then, in walked that old -ite nemesis, the bane of the JK.net UBB, Hitler in drag, Kurgan!

"Well shit.. things just went from bad to worse here..", murmured Speak.

"HEY! HEY HEY HEY! YOU'RE BADMOUTHING ME!!! Where'd I stick that ban button?", Kurgan screamed, yanking out a remote control, "Aha, here it is... uhh.. hey.. have you guys seen a BIG red button that said BAN in big letters?"

Everyone stared in awe, including the hulking mass known as Skinner.

Fourwood suddenly ran over to Kurgan and whispered something in his ear. "Hey.. HEY! You're RIGHT!!!", cried the skinhead, "HIS SKIN ISN'T A TRANSPARENT WHITE LIKE MINE!!!! HE MUST BE BANNED!!!"

With that Kurgan charged the wall of muscle, armed with his trusty remote o' bans. "Phool.", uttered Skinner, swatting Kurgan away, effectively slicing him in half.

"Well that was unexpected.", said Dylan.

"One down one to go!", cried Speak, unholstering the Almighty Spork and charging, "Kong SHAOFAN!"

"OOOOOH YES! WE'RE GOIN' INTERNATIONAL WITH THIS BABY!", cried Arby, getting up and drawing the DHS, and following Speak.

Everyone else stood around. "Should we do something?", asked CEO.

"I guess... but what?", replied an anonymous -ite.

"Running away and screaming like six year old girls sounds pretty good to me.", said Shrew.

"Orrrrr... we could have some more random violence.", said Fourwood.

"GONK GONK GONK! GONKGONKGONK!!!", gonked Gonk.

"That settles it.", said Thren/Ydon/RiArtZ/whatever the hell he wants to be called today, "CHARGE!!!!"

posted April 27, 2000 11:45 PM            

Pax reached down, checked the spacer's pulse, and looked up with a worried expression. "We don't have long. Let's get him to a secure location."

"Take him to the jail," Speak commanded. Acin rounded up some of the -ites as security. "Someone get some portable shield generators to the jail," Dylan yelled, "and fast." Panic and chaos swept over the crowd as everyone ran in different directions attempting to secure the area.

The spacer was carried off by several -ites. Shield generators were hurredly put into place. Backup shields and weapons were distributed to the -ites. No sooner were the generators activated and the -ites prepared than the strange spacer woke up.

"Hello," Speak said. "We'd like to ask you a few questions." The spacer grunted in response. The other -ites that encircled the cell brandished rail detonators, concussion rifles, and other Weapons of Mass Destruction(tm). "And I would suggest you cooperate with us this time," Speak added.

posted April 28, 2000 12:12 AM            

Pax, guardian of all that is the NES, nodded wisely. "Actually, I was pretty upset that we beat you so easily."

"Good," Skinner replied gruffly. "Because I'm not done with you yet!"

Suddenly, Skinner reached through the energy shields, grabbed Pax and Speak by the head, and slammed them together. They fell unconsciously to the ground.

Skinner came tearing through the shields, wreaking havok throughout the army of -ites. Arby, wielding his mighty DHS, fell first. Fuurgh and Shrew were quickly stepped on. Rob cried as his porn collection was ripped to shreds, and then thrown in his face, giving him vicious papercuts. Cactus Void, trying to pull out a large weapon from his stockade of illegal arms, was flung across the room and out the window, becoming entangled in the branches of the tree outside. Dylan, trying to write everything down for what he was sure would be a pulitzer, was pummelled repeatedly. Fourwood attacked Skinner from behind, only to find his golf club wrapped around his head. All the other -ites were deftly beaten back by the large spacer.

Skinner looked around him at the unconscious bodies of all the -ites. "The phools. Do they really think that I would have been defeated so easily? However, this way I was able to get them all into a confined space where I could take them all out without them running away. Victory is mine."

Skinner walked among the sleepytime -ites, and quickly gathered up all of their weapons. "The Master will be pleased. With these," he said, admiring the SPORK, DHS, and other trademark weapons," his plans will surely be able to come to fruition. I only have one more item to collect for him."

Skinner quickly moved over to Pax's body and took the keys from within his cloak. He then sprinted to the location of the StormRunner. He hopped into the pilot's seat, put the keys in the ignition, and took off. As the StormRunner entered hyperspace, Skinner chortled with glee.

[OOS: I've laid down enough material there that we should be able to go some time without needing any major new plot devices to keep going, so I don't want to see any quick wrapup now]

posted April 28, 2000 02:41 AM            

********

Later that day the -ites all met up at the Hotel to figure out how to get all their items back.

"We could re-wire Gonk, and use him to follow skinner." said Thren.

"GonkGonkGonk...GONK!" screeched Gonk.

"...Even if we could do that, we all couldn't fit on Gonk, and we dont know where he went" Pax added.

"wellsir, skinner *hic* did slay sumthing 'bout hiss masster" Rob said in a slightly drunken slur.

"What are you talking about?" Maheda asked.

"Skinner, ass he was leeaving, hee saaid dat he was bringing all our *hic* weapoons to hiss master"

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Pax. "Who could possibly want, or need our weapons? Who would have the resources to send his theif across space just to get them. Its obvious now who skinner's "master" is. But this will need planning, follow me"

[OOS: On the whole Thren/Ydon matter, just to keep things straight, lets keep threnody, thren. ok?]

posted April 28, 2000 03:54 PM            

The -Ites all agreed. "Hey, I've got an idea where we can get metal to make some lightsabers," Rob said, eyeing Gonk drunkily.

"GOOONK! GONK GONK GONK GONK!"

"I don't think so, Rob. Now, what could we use.."

"Pax, sir, I believe I have some things that may be of use," Maheda replied.

"Well, what is it?"

"Follow me, guys." And Maheda walked off to his apartment.

--------

"OH MY GOSH!" Dylan exclaimed, "How did you find all of this stuff?"

"Mainly from my travels before I met you guys. And it was my hobby, a while back. Making weapons, that is."

"So, what do you have for us?" inquired Pax.

"Well... lesse here. I've this stick that I coated in iron... made from a special tree on a far away planet. It's my backup weapon. Guys, I present to you the Iron Plated Ugly Stick."

They all oooh-ed and awww-ed at the IPUS.

"ME NEXT!" shouted Mart.

"Fine then. I found this one on an ocean planet. It's called the Starfish Wand. I have no idea what it does, but it might be useful."

"Gooooonk. Goonk gonka gonk!" Gonk gonked gonkily.

"Ok there little Gonk, here you go." Maheda mounted a small laser on Gonk, then spent a good 15 minutes wiring it in. "This will allow you to give a small shock to people. It will knock them out for a few minutes, but not kill them."

"GONK! Gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk!" Gonk quipped.

The -Ites laughed all together.

"Well then guys, grab a weapon out of here.. there's something for everyone."

posted April 28, 2000 04:35 PM            

"Mah!" the -ites screamed in unison.

"What?"

"There's nothing in here except for a toothpick and a staple remover," Acinonyx pointed out to Mah.

"Oh, uh, well..." Mah stammered.

Gonk, angered at the unfortunate turn of events, shot Mah. "GONK!"

"Ow! Mah screamed as a bright green splotch appeared on his shirt.

"A paint gun? What happened to the laser?" Arby demanded.

Mart examined the Starfish wand. "Hey! This is a little plastic shovel you can buy at the beach!"

Suddenyl, Cho piped up from the back of the group, "Hey, wasn't the IPUS already used to attack Skinner? That means he took it with him!"

"Stop making sense!" Mah yelled at Cho, but it was too late, as the IPUS Mah held vanished into thin air due to the sudden black plot hole that appeared and sucked it up, to not be seen again.

The -ites glumly walked out of the apartment and went to drown their sorrows in the Drazen Cafe. They now had no weapons, and no ride.

Suddenly, Arby jumped up. If this were a cartoon, a little light would have appeared above his head. He ran off to the Drazen Gazette offices.

"Now there's a man who's dedicated to his work," Acin quipped.

Ten minutes later, Arby came running back. "Everybody come with me to the landing pad. I think I've solved one of our problems."

The -ites rushed over to the landing pad. A few minutes later, a big pile of space junk came plummetting at the -ites.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Fuurgh screamed, grabbing onto the leg of the closest -ite.

"My pants!" Rob screamed.

The pile of space junk slowed down, and came hovering to a stop. It was actually an extremely mangled YT-1300 that had seen better days.

Arby talked into his communicator, "Glad to see you made it. Who suckered you into buying this thing?"

Some noise came out of the Communicator that the -ites couldn't really understand. "Such language!" Arby muttered.

The door opened, and out ran a screaming little furball. "Doooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuche Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!" it cried, jumping on top of Gonk.

"Gonk gonk gonk!" Gonk gonked angrily.

"Doke!" Speak yelled in joy. "Then that means the ship is being piloted by..."

"Me!" a blue skinned humanoid with a nipple ring said, stepping out the door.

"ENT!" the -ites exclaimed in unison.

"Yeah! Arby said you guys needed a lift."

The -ites clambered onboard the ship. Up in the cockpit, Pax, Speak, Arby, Acin, and Ent plotted what to do next.

"So, Pax," Arby inquired, "where do we go from here?"

"In order to defeat this 'master' we'll need to find the lost Jedi Master Yogi," Pax explained. "Chances are he'll probably give us a series of quests to collect the materials we'll need in order to get our weapons back and stop him. This isn't gonna be pretty."

"So, who is this guy, anyways?" Speak inquired.

posted April 28, 2000 04:54 PM            

"No, not him," Speak said. "The Master."

"That's who he is."

"Yes, I know that. But who IS he?"

"How should I know? For the current time, I say we just refer to him as The Master."

"Hey, why does he get to decide what we call him?" Ent whined.

"Because no one else seems to be displaying any sort of leadership ability. I mean, the way we attacked Skinner back there reaked of cheesy Hollywood fight scenes...Which aren't bad when the bad guys attack us one by one, but I would have thought we were a little smarter than that and would have attacked all at once," Arby rambled.

"Right," said Pax.

"Anyway, let's get back to the issue at hand here: All of our weapons are gone, my ship is gone, and we have to find Master Yogi. Are you sure you can fly this thing, Ent?" Acin asked.

"You know how I fly."

"That's why I asked."

"This conversation really hasn't served any purpose, has it?" Arby asked.

"Not that I can tell," Speak said.

"STAKE! NOT SPEAR! DUCK-HANDLED STAKE!" Arby screamed.

The other members of the High Council of the -Ites looked at him.

"Sorry about that." Arby gazed out the window. "Say, what's going on out there?"

---

There was a crowd gathering around the outside of the docked freighter. Actually, there were three people, but three's a crowd, right? The figure wore black, hooded robes. Arby couldn't make out their faces.

"I can't make out their faces," Arby said. Ent leaned over and toggled a switch on the control panel.

"Attention, three figures who wear black, hooded robes who have faces that Arby can't make out, please state your name and business."

There came no reply from the figures. The tallest of the three stood directly in front of the ship, while the other two (whose similarity in height and build led Arby to believe they were twins or clones of some sort) split and stood on either side of the ship. The three figures formed a triangle, and stretched out their arms. Blue light lept from their fingers, forming the triangle around the ship, and Arby was out cold.

---
From one of the suites in the nearby hotel, a young couple watched the scene unfold. They saw the figures surround the ship, and the forming of the triangle of light (ToL). The light grew, enveloping the ship. There was a flash, and when the light dimmed, the ship and the three figures who wear black, hooded robes who have faces that Arby can't make out (TFWWBHRWHFTACMO) were gone.

posted April 28, 2000 05:50 PM            

Arby looked calmly at Rob and said with an air of authority "Forced plot device, dont worry, you'll get used to them."

"Well shouldn't we go investigate or something?"

"Well..I guess, but It might be dangerous, who can we send that could pull it off, but at the same time would lighten the load...and get them off of our backs for at least a couple of post's" Speak said.

The -ites all stared at Mart and Maheda, who, in turn were staring at each other.

"Its settled, Mart and Maheda, you go find out who those (TFWWBHRWHFTACMO) people were, in your own slightly zany forced sub-plot." Speak told the two new partners.

Mart looked at Rob "I told you to leave me something...but this....gee, thanks."

"We better get going if we want to reach Yogi in time" Pax said

The -Ites lifted off, waving at Mart and Mah, as they trailed off to have a new and exciting adventure meant to keep this story from getting stale...

Whats next for our brave -ites as they brave space to find Yogi? Who knows?

posted April 28, 2000 06:14 PM            

"Who said that?" Arby said, looking around paranoidly.

"Said what?" Pax asked.

"That's what I want to know," Arby replied.

"Hey guys, We have a problem here," Ent informed them. He pointed out the front viewshield as they left the atmosphere. "No stars."

"Wow, that was a neat trick," Pax said, "whoever those TFWWBHRWHFTACMO guys were, they obviously are great at parties."

"TACMO!" Arby suddenly blurted out.

"Uh, right."

"No stars means no astronavigation," Acin pointed out. "Looks like we have to go back to the planet."

"Already?" Rob interjected. "Let Mart and Mah handle it. Come on, come on, please?"

"Y'know," Arby said. "I have to wonder why we didn't wonder where we were a minute ago, after T-A-C-M-O! did their thing."

"Eh, just another forced plot hole," CEO explained.

"Gonk!"

"There's gonna be some forced skull holes if people don't stop bringing that up!" Pax suddenly yelled out.

"Uh, ok," CEO replied.

"Sorry, I get touchy about these things."

"So ANYWAY, we really oughta figure out our next move," Cho'Koth reminded them.

"I got it," Pax said, snapping his fingers. "Why don't YOU explain the whole atmospheric reentry with Skinner deal to us?"

"Um," Cho stuttered. "You see..."

posted April 28, 2000 06:46 PM            

"Ohhh nooo!! Not a stupid flashback!" Cactus screamed.

"Just shut up, and let me explain" Cho said, annoyed.

"I was testing out my newest ship, a small fighter, with a cloaking device, and a few other nifty gadgets. One of these was a seriously kick ass scanner. When I fired it up, it started going nuts, saying something about collision imminant, or something to that effect. About 2 seconds later, I found myself clinging desperately to a fireball, screaming louder than I ever have before."

"So you're trying to tell us you just HAPPENED to be in the exact place that this guy was going to be?" Pax said, suspiciously.

"Ummmm...I'm a trekkie,is it really all that much of a suprise?"

"No..." Was the resounding response.

"Now, what are we going to do about the lack of stars, and the fact that Arby passed out not long ago, and the apparent lack of any other effect." Cho reminded the group, now that their suspicions were calmed, at least for the moment.

posted April 28, 2000 07:26 PM            

Meanwhile, back on the mysterious planet, while they are discussing things in the ship...
-----------------------------------------

"Now what are we supposed to do, Mah?"

"I'm thinking Mart, I'm thinking. Any bright ideas?"

"Well.. we have no weapons, no ride, and no contact with any other -Ites."

"What do you mean, no contact?"

"They shut us out! We can't even check on how they're doing!" Mart began to whimper.

"Sheesh, crybaby. Hmm... let's this radio that the other -Ites conviently left us."

The duo quickly get out the comm device, and begin inspecting it.

"Hmm... Mart, you know how to use this?" Maheda looked at the controls, perplexed.

"I think so. MOVE!"

Mart proceeded to hit many keys and buttons. Maheda looked on awestruck.

"Nope, sorry Mah. We can't talk to Arby, Pax, or Speak."

"Hmmm..."

"You say that a lot, don't you, Mah?"

"Shush Mart. Try contacting... Mayor Walters! He's off planet right now, so we might be able to talk to him."

Mart pushed more buttons, but then sighed.

"No Mah, sorry, he's, AHEM, busy with a female client."

"Ah hah. Well then... try Mannix. Haven't talked to him in a while."

Mart hit some more switches and typed in a message. A small message popped up:

"I'm sorry, Mannix can't come to the comm right now. He is currently at the All You Can Eat Cheeseburger Buffet and says he won't be out for several days. You may leave a message if you wish."

"Forget it, Mah, we're not going to find any help..."

"Oh well.. WAIT! I've got it!"

"What, Mah?"

"Contact Jonathon Clark."

Mart hit in some more buttons, and Jon's face appeared on the screen.

"Yes? Who is this?" Jon asked.

"Jon, it's Mah and Mart. We're on some unknown planet, some bad guy has taken all of our guns, and the rest of the -Ites flew off with Doke and Ent. Could you possibly help us?"

"Sure guys. It'll give me a chance to test out some new inventions I've made."

"GUNS?!?" Mart and Mah shouted simultaneously.

"Nope, sorry. I was afraid I'd use them for dark purposes. But if you give me 5 minutes, I'll finish up my Quantum Phase Shifting Teletransportation Field Capacitator."

"What's that?" asked Maheda. But Jon's face had disappeared.

5 minutes later, Jon appeared behind them.

"Hey guys. I hope I'm not too late."

posted April 28, 2000 10:00 PM            

Ent stepped into the room and let out a sigh. "I have tinkered with every system on this ship. Gonk and the astromech are hooked up to the main computers running a comprehensive diagnostic right now." Ent dropped down on a set of crates, first sitting up, then stretching out. He let out another sigh. "I can't do anything right now." The other -ites nodded in acknowledgement. Tension hung in the air. An awkward silence seemed to last forever.

Acinonyx, not phased at this latest development, continued scribbling on a scrap of paper. He passed the paper across the holotable to Dylan who brought out his datapad, made a few calculations, and begin drawing some sort of diagram. Pax leaned over, nodding in agreement with the conclusions. Acin nervously tapped his fingers on the table, lost in thought and waiting for Dylan and Pax to finish their input.

"What kind of scanners you got on this thing, Ent?" Acin thought aloud.

"Standard Corellian freighter's sensor system. Ripped a scanning module from an old X-Wing, but that's about it," Ent replied.

"Got any extra modules anywhere?" Pax asked.

Ent thought for a second. "Sure, I've got a few parts lying around. We can hack something together, I guess," he finally answered.

Dylan finished the final calculations. "Assuming we can get a sufficient amount of amplification without frying the suckers," he explained, "we can get a relatively small and vague star and system map of the area." He looked over the equations again, making sure none of them had made a mistake. "Not much, but if we compare that to a pretty recent astronavigational chart, we're in good shape until we can get to a spaceport and examine this ship."

"Well, if it can be examined," Acin corrected. "Somehow I doubt the TACMO will be thwarted by our modern technology."

"How do you figure that?" Speak asked.

"Everyone knows that evil-looking things like these don't follow the theories of modern science or the laws of the universe," Acin replied. "Know your movie clichés, Speak." Acin paused for a second, again pondering the situation. "And along that line of thought, we better get moving before Something Bad(tm) happens."

"Well, anyway," Ent said as he stood up, "Acin, Pax, Dylan, let's get started on modifying the sensors." As the three got up and walked toward the door, Ent picked up a comlink and spoke into it. "Doke, you're in charge. Don't screw anything up."

"WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Doke screamed in a high-pitched voice.

"And Speak," Ent added, "you go up to the cockpit and look after Doke. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

"Great, I'm appointed second-in-command to some screwed-up Furby," Speak muttered.

"PHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" the Furby screamed.

posted April 29, 2000 09:02 AM            

"Jon, do you even know where we are!?" exclaimed Mart

Jon turned to Maheda "Do I HAVE to talk to him??"

"What!? Of course you do!" shouted Mart

"No Maheda, I dont know where we are, I just locked onto your com signal and teletransported here"

Mart glared at Jon "Fine, you two talk, i'm going for a walk"

Mart turned around and started a casual stroll south.
Jon took off the large backpack he'd been wearing and set it down on the ground, he opened it up and pulled out a bunch of thingamajigys and what-the-hells-that-es.

(Camera zooms out to show the group in the middle of a large desert wasteland atop a cliff with mountains to the north)

Mart continued walking, head hung low, for several more minutes, he reached the edge of the cliff, sat down and looked at the view. He was so shocked by what he saw that he almost fell off the cliff itself.

Below him there was a huge forest full of rivers and lakes, but that wasnt what shocked him, past the forest, no more than a few kilometres away was a huge city comparable to Courscant, he looked to the east and then to the west to see nothing but these huge buildings outlining the forest.

Mart jumped up onto his feet and turned around to call Mah and Jon over. But they werent there. A thin dust storm had covered the whole area.

"Mah! Jon! Where are you guys!? You Gotta See This!" No one answered, Mart ran off north to find his missing companions. Within minutes the dust storm had gotten so fierce he was blown off his feet. He fell to the ground and looked through the storm for some sign of his companions, he saw some feet coming towards him, slowly at first but then running towards him. First he was relived but then he started to wonder why there were 5 pairs of legs and not just 2. The dust storm suddenly stopped in the area just around him with it still blowing fiercly only a metre or 2 in every direction. The 5 men entered the calm area, all of them were dressed in military garb. The leader of the group setped forward armed with a heavily modified stun rod.

"Who are you and what are you doing in the preserve?" Demanded the leader

"What? what preserve? this? I dont know what your talking about!"

"Men looks like another scavenger, you know the protocal" The leader turned on his heels and walked briskly back into the storm

"No wait, if you can just tell me what__" The 4 men stepped forward stun rods in hand and Mart fell to the ground before he could even finish his sentence.

************Elsewhere*************

Thren had been wandering around the YT-1300 for the last hour trying to kill time. He'd passed through the cargo bay more than 8 times where this pile of junk ad gotten bigger and more complex looking everytime.
Thren walked to the cockpit for the 9th time to see what Speak and Doke were doing, he found the cockpit deserted, he took a quick scan of the outside of the ship only to see 2 blips hovering over one point of the ship. He ran to one of the viewports in that area noly to see Speak and Doke floating out there, Speak was holding a big can of Anti-Gravity Ship Paint and Doke was spinning around with a paintbrush. He sighed, put his hands in his pokets and decided to do another lap of the ship, after all today couldnt get any wierder.

(Camera zooms out to show the word 'PHEAR' painted in big blue letters on the side of the ship)

posted April 29, 2000 02:48 PM            

The com screen flickered on, and a dark, hooded figure filled the screen. If it weren't for the differences in their movements, it could have been a reflection of the hooded figure sitting in front of the screen at the control panel.

"Any progress?" the hooded figure on screen (HFoS) asked.

"Quite a bit has happened since the others used the Triangle of Light," the hooded, seated figure (HSF) explained. "The two called Mart and Maheda have been sent to find out more about the Tacmo. Don't kill them, no matter how much you may be tempted to. We need all the help that we can get. I fear that your aid to us may not be kept secret from the other -Ites for much longer."

"The Void Dwellers have aided them in the past openly, perhaps it is time that we, too, reveal ourselves. This new threat may prove to be too much for you."

"Is that why the three made such a blatant display?" HSF asked.

"Exactly. Without your trademark weapons, we knew you were going to need extra help. I have decided. You are to come to the City. It is time that all be made known." The screen went dark.

HSF pushed back his hood. "Time for me to go home," Arby said to himself as he stashed the robe under his bunk. "This should be fun."

***Meanwhile, in the jail of the Tacmo...***

Mart blinked several times as he awoke from unconsciousness. As his eyes adjusted to the dimness, he saw that Jon and Mah lay beside him, beginning to stir.

"Where am I?" he thought, standing up and walking over toward the door of the cell. In the hallway, he saw one of the Tacmo guards standing there. "Ok, so this can't be good."

***back aboard the flagship PHEAR*

Arby strode into the cockpit and made his way to the pilot's seat. He was forced to step over Speak, who had been knocked to the floor when Doke decided to attempt to rip open his jugular vein.

"ARRRG!" Speak yelled. Arby shrugged, and began to prepare for the trip. He toggled the shipwide com. "Attention K-Mart shoppers, we are making a small detour before we meet Master Yogi. The three people who did the light show at the landing pad come from my home planet."

"WHAT?" all the -Ites said in unison (except for Gonk, who just gonked). Arby turned around to find them all standing behind him in the cockpit. All except Speak, who was crushed under all of their feet.

"Well, don't get mad at me. I'm not one of them...they live in a city on the planet. It's in the middle of a large crater, surrounded by a large forest. There are several preserves on the outside of the crater. I believe Mart and Mah may have been taken to this city."

"Well, this is a new plot device," Speak said. "I don't think we've ever explored a character's past before. Hopefully we won't lose sight of the main story."

"Don't worry, it's just a way to lengthen the story a little bit longer. They've got information on Skinner and the Master. And they're very anxious to meet you, Ent." Arby looked at the blue skinned carver of the DHS.

"I didn't steal anything from them!" Ent cried.

"They're interested in your woodcarving skills. Now, get that nav system working, I'm going home. Sort of. Not my actual home, I guess, just my home planet. Since my actual home was destroyed, and I've never lived in the city that we're headed-"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" everyone cried in unison.

[This message has been edited by Arby (edited April 29, 2000).]

posted April 29, 2000 10:21 PM            

A small ship speadily flies into the port and almost crash lands. The man in a hurry is no other than the great Mr. Goalie. He runs out the hatch...
"Hey Hey, I came back as fast as I cou......DAMNIT! I'VE BEEN SCREWED AGAIN!!"
He gets back on the ship and flies off trying to trace the -ites down to see where they went.

posted April 30, 2000 12:38 AM            

Mart looked around his small area. There were three horridly shabby beds, a bucket, and a sink. He looked over at Mah and Jon. They had just woken up, and were looking at each other and Mart in a puzzled manner. Jon first broke the silence.

"Where the fuck are we?"

"Well Jon," Mart replied, "I really don't know. And I don't think Mah knows either. Now, you, you on the other hand, have all sorts of handy inventions. RIGHT?"

Jon looked around nervously. He then shrugged, and calmly beckoned Mart and Mah over.

"Well... you see, I have this one weapon. I only have it for extreme cases, and I guess this is one of them. The Tacmo stole my other inventions, but they didn't get the thermonuclear device hidden in my teeth. It's a small blast, so we wouldn't die, but we could use it to break out."

"So why don't we use it?" whispered Maheda.

"Because it requires a remote detonation device. The Tacmo found that. When the device is hit, it counts down for 20 minutes until it explodes. Also, there's a special tool needed to remove it from my teeth. And the Tacmo took that too."

"Well.. I guess we'll have to think of another way," said Mart.

"Yeah.. I wish I could-" Jon stopped speaking suddenly. He paused for 15 seconds.

"Guys, problem. You see, there's this device in my ear. It beeps faster as the micronuke is about to go off. It just started beeping. Guys, I have less than 20 minutes to live, unless we remove the micronuke and disarm it."

Mah and Mart just sat there, awestruck. A Tacmo guard approached.

"Alright you three, time to meet the King. He will decide your fate. It doesn't look very good, for you at least."

posted May 01, 2000 07:01 PM            

"Will you quit pacing?" Speak asked, holstering his blaster. "You're making me nervous."

"It shouldn't take them this long," Arby replied. He watched Fuurgh come strolling through the room and head away towards the cockpit. "Should he be allowed up there?"

"Acin is there, he'll be ok. Now, what if these contacts of yours aren't as useful as you say they are?"

"They did let us know that Mart and Mah were in jail, along with a third companion. No small feat in a Tacmo prison, trust me. They've got connections. They're also in good standing with the King, who happens to not be one of the most...nice people around. Especially since the fall of the Empire. He was a big fan of Palpatine." Arby said. Except the last sentence was mumbled, but Speak heard him anyway.

"WHAT? So we're going to meet with a former Imperial?"

"No, my people are the planet's equivalent to the Alliance. We've just got to get into the city. They've got people working on saving Mart and Mah. Although, maybe we should call that off..." Arby weighed the positives and negatives of that.

"We'll need their help, once we figure out who this Master guy is." Arby looked at him warily. "You know, as shields or something."

"True," Arby replied. "I wonder-" His wondering was cut short by a blast that shook the ship. Fuurgh came running from the cockpit.

"YEEEEEEEEEEE! FIGHTERS!" he disappeared into the back of the ship. Arby and Speak darted to the cockpit.

"Royal Fighters, bearing the mark of Blargan. But I thought...Oh great." He ran back out of the cockpit and towards his quarters. He activated the com and contacted Hsof (you know, the figure from before who is now named Hsof).

"What's going on?" he demanded.

"Well, Arby, you see...there seems to be a slight misunderstanding between us and the King. You see...they've decided to attack you."

"Well, gee, I hadn't noticed. It's Blargan Squadron, by the way."

"Oh...well, I'm sorry you're dead then."

posted May 01, 2000 11:33 PM            

The TACMO guard walks up to the cell with Mah, Mart, and Jon pacing around.

"what are we going to do? Jon has less than two minutes to live!!!" said Mart.

"SHUT UP IN THERE!" The guard screamed, " Come with me, you have an audience with the king, now hurry up"

With that the guard unlocks the cell.

The group of prisoners follow the guard down an elobrate hall, with paintings of former kings.

"Hey, who's that, the one in the imperial uniform" asked mart, much to the guards annoyance.

"That would be Prince Volker"

"Why does he have an Imperial uniform" Mart contuined.

"The king was a big supporter of the Emperor, so much so that he sent his only son to serve the empire. Now no more questions, were here"

Mart gulps as the room opens up to reveal a large room, with dozens of human women surronding the "throne".

In the middle of the room sat the king, a middle aged man robed in full black, with a goate and hair that resembles a medievil king's.

"Now, why were you on my planet?" asked the king.

*BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep*

"What is that?!?" Screamed the King.

"that..is, err, nothing, nothing at all" said Jon.

"Search him" The King told the guard next to him, who was holding a plier like device.

The guard did a basic search of Jon, but then got to his head, The guard looked in Jon's mouth.

"I found something, sir"

"Bring it to me"

The guard took the plier and pried out one of Jon's tooth.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh SHIT! That HURTS!" Jon screamed at the guard.

The guard behind Jon gave him a shock in the back, forcing Jon to the floor.

The guard brought the tooth to the king, who inspected it. He brought it to his ear.

Beepbeepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...*

The room exploded with a fury of light and sound.

Jon looked up and saw the device explode, taking the king and half the women with it.

As he lay there with a guard on top of him, all he could say as he saw this was "shit...were dead"

The Prince ran into the room.

"What the hell?!?" He screamed "By Casta! What is the meaning of this?!?"

The prince ran up to the now destroyed throne and looked at the remains of the crown and his dead father.

Taking the crown into his hands, he picked it up. Turning around he looked at the -ites. As the light glistened off of the metal of the crown, the Prince he placed it on top of his black hair.

He turned his head ever so slightly to the military cheif, the ites still remained in his view.

"The King is dead, Killed by these offworlders, I want their friends dead, and I want the offworlders bodys to be strewn on top of the Dragovic pit."

**************

"True," Arby replied. "I wonder-" His wondering was cut short by a blast that shook the ship. Fuurgh came running from the cockpit.

"YEEEEEEEEEEE! FIGHTERS!" he disappeared into the back of the ship. Arby and Speak darted to the cockpit.

"Royal Fighters, bearing the mark of Blargan. But I thought...Oh great." He ran back out of the cockpit and towards his quarters. He activated the com and contacted Hsof (you know, the figure from before who is now named Hsof).

"What's going on?" he demanded.

"Well, Arby, you see...there seems to be a slight misunderstanding between us and the King. You see...they've decided to attack you."

....

posted May 03, 2000 04:28 PM            

"What'd the relatives say?" Speak asked him.

"Nice knowing you," Arby replied briefly. Turning to Ent, he asked, "Did you install that thing I asked you to install?"

"Uh..." Ent replied. "The... thing..."

"Yeah, the thing."

Entropy thought for a minute. "Would this be the first thing or the big thing?"

Arby slapped his forehead. "The medium-sized pointy thing!"

"Ohhhh!" Ent said. "THAT thing!"

Arby waited for a moment. "Well, did you install it?"

"Um... well, no..."

Arby sighed. "Okay, scrap that plan. Use the big thing."

"Actually, I didn't quite get that installed either..."

"What? Why not?!"

"You said to hurry..."

"Okay, fine. We can handle this," Arby said, calming himself. "Did you at least get the first thing installed?"

"Oh yeah, of course," Ent sniffed, offended. "First thing I did! By the way, 10 seconds to interception."

"Ah!" Arby screamed. "Fire the first thing! Fire the first thing!"

"Calm down," Speak instructed, putting his hand on Arby's shoulder. Abruptly, Arby passed out and slumped to the floor.

"Little too much calming there," Entropy commented as he powered up the First Thing. "Let's hope this works..."

posted May 04, 2000 12:11 AM            

"J00 will ph34r us?" Speak said as the beam finished. "This is the first thing...how does this help us vanquish them?"

"It's supposed to be a code phrase all pilots of my home planet know, so no one gets fired apon accidently" Arby said. "Besides, it looks cool"

"Apparently someone forgot to tell this group about the secret phrase!" Cho said as the fighters began opening fire. as the first shots impacted the hull, he was already making his way to the upper turret, with Acin on his way to the lower.

They both began shooting at the fighters, each cursing with each missed shot, and screaming jubulantly with each hit...they weren't hitting much, but they kept the fighters away long enough for Arby and speak to take the ship closer to the planet, and begin entry into the atmosphere.

As they came out of the upper atmophere, and started to cool, they could see the main city sprawled out below them.

unfortunitally, there were also ground based turbo-laser emplacements...and they seemed to be much better shots...expertmy disabling the craft, and forcing it to land in seconds of re-entry.

As the ramp lowered, waiting for our -ites could be seen...

posted May 06, 2000 10:24 PM            

"SINC! I thought you were dead!" Acin screamed as he fumbles for his weapon.

"I already have some of your pitiful friends in my detention blocks already. You will also find that your weapons are disabled on this planet because I put in this COG after our unfortunate death of our King. Your lightsabers are are also disabled because of naturally unexplainable forces on this planet," as Sinc motioned for his band of guards to take the prisoners, "Take them away! Leave them with their weapons, they will not harm you in anyway. Send a squad to the COG station, make sure no one will get in."

Jeff`W wispers as he's being taken away "We've got to get to the COG generator.".......

posted May 07, 2000 02:23 PM            

One of the guards laughed. "Did you really think that, one, our new King would come out here to face the danger himself? Quite the contray, he learned well during his time in the Empire and it very safe in an underground bunker. Two, did you really think our true King would share all our most intimate defense secrets with you? Preposterous! What is a COG anyway? Crazy Real Worlders."

Pax leaned over to Arby and whispered. "What's he mean by that?"

Shrinking away from the question, Arby replied, "Uh, I'll explain later."

"Hey, wait a second," Speak interrupted. "If what Sinclair was saying was a load of BS, that means that our weapons still work, right?"

Acinonyx waved one of the puny little blasters Entropy had managed to stockpile around. "Yeah, but we're not going to be able to get through their ar