posted 10-11-98 09:50 PM EDT (US) 
I've seen these on other message boards, and they got pretty silly. So I'm thinking, Silly... message board... Bespin! So without further ado...
A long time ago, well, maybe not so long ago... ok, sometime ago... no, that's not right, anyway, it was sometime between yesterday and a parsec ago, and it was pretty far too, I mean, I couldn't get there on my bike, so...
STAR WARS
Episode Eleventeen
It was a quiet day on the majestic Bespinese Cloud City, which was unusual in and of itself, when a ship of unknown type and infinite wit came out of hyperspace close by.
In the traffic control room, the techs jumped out of their seats amazed, astounded and mildly aghast to find this ship bearing down on the peaceful floating city. Still they contacted the approaching craft with their usual brutish belligerence, ordering it to land on pad 69. Amazingly, the pilot of the craft acknowledge their order and landed peaceably on the assigned pad.
After a quick bought of drawing straws, Gonda was sent out to greet the occupants. Quivering with fear, little big-nose approached the ship. Suddenly, the ramp ground open, revealing nothing but darkness within.
And then, to Gonda's surprise, who should step down the ramp but...
[This message has been edited by Pax (edited 10-11-98).]
posted 10-11-98 10:23 PM EDT (US)
...Echoba, king of the Ewoks. After hugging the unsuspecting big-nosed greeter to death, Echoba continued to walk unchecked into the city. Raising his staff, he chattered nonsense at the passing citizens, until the guardians of Cloud City were called in to bring this fuzzy menace to justice. Unfortunatly, while the brave knights of cloud city where fighting over who got to drive the speeder, our cute little villain escaped into the Trekkie Bar. Fitting in amung the tribbles, he lay in wait for his next victim.
After decorating Pax's 'borrowed' speeder with various smears of unreconizable parts of slow citizens, the Cloud City defenders decided enough was enough. How could you possibly find one ewok in a city of thousands of people? Depressed, and more than a little frusterated, our heros continued to stop by at everyone's favorite dive: The Cantina Cloud.
Whilst peering out the window, one of our humble Jedi catches a glimse of something furry accross the street. While walking over to inspect what it was, a man with a noticbly aussie accent walks up and tips his hat. "G'day mate, the names Walters." "What have you got in there?" Our hero asks him, wondering about the strange thing he did see passing the window. "They should all be destroyed." Mr. Walters says, and as if to add to his observation, a large crane begins to lower in a large and very beefy looking cow. "Moo" says the cow, as it is lowered into the building. "Feeding time" The man says, turning to watch the carnage. The belt that supports the cow shakes violently, and much "moo"ing is heard coming from the inside of the building.
When at last the belt is pulled from the dark interior, it is torn to shreds. No sign of the cow anywhere. Our hero turns back to question the man, but he has already begun to head back to the Cantina. "Shucks" he proclaims, but before he can follow Mr. Walters and get a drink, Echoba bursts forth, shaking his staff and chittering angerly. Suddenly, after a switch is hit on the furry devil's staff, a large and rather formidable blade is extended. Now our hero wittnesses some rather incredible swordsman ship, as the Ewok craftily swings the deadly blade. Shrugging once, our brave knight draws his blaster and puts a hole through the ewoks head.
Sighing, and turning to head back to the Cantina, one of the Knights of Cloud City has once again saved the day. However, upon returning to the Cantina, he found the place in such a disorder....and there, sitting upon the debris, was...
[This message has been edited by Nebula (edited 10-11-98).]
posted 10-11-98 11:40 PM EDT (US)
...the charred body of Uggy!
Our jedi drops to his knees, mutters a few words about the humanity of it all and steals Uggy's shoes and saber.
He is about to make off with his booty when a firm hands yanks him to his feet and throws him against the Cantina's last standing wall....which, of course, collapses.
Pinned under the rumble the terrified jedi looks up as his assailant approaches. As he gets closer the flickering light from the flames still consuming parts of the cantina reveal the figure to be.........
[This message has been edited by Jeff Walters (edited 10-11-98).]
posted 10-11-98 11:52 PM EDT (US)
...Sinclair!
He stands a few feet away from the hero, holding a gleaming microphone in his hands. He swings the microphone at you threateningly, and forces you to watch episodes of his talk show, based on Jerry Springer...
But before your head can explode, one of the dark creatures from the building across the street leaps through the window and...
[This message has been edited by Jonathan C (edited 10-11-98).]
[This message has been edited by Jonathan C (edited 10-11-98).]
posted 10-11-98 11:58 PM EDT (US)
Pounces on you, pinning you to the ground. You look up into it's horrible face and try to scream, but before you can it speaks in a high pitched, nasal voice.
"I am JMLarin," the horrible creature says, "a hybrid of the two beings known as JMR and Larin."
It continues to talk fo hours, so long in fact that you begin begging to watch Sinc's show. Just as the last thread of your sanity is about to snap....
posted 10-12-98 01:30 AM EDT (US)
... you see a large, furry body pull JMLarin off you. It's Errrchiba, the Wookiee companion of Echoba! He takes JMLarin and throws him as hard as a Wookiee can throw - pretty damn hard! JMLarin soars through the air and lands awfully close to the edge of an airchute. Momentum carries him farther, and then he is off, hanging by his fingertips, screaming in a whiny voice, when... Errrichiba landed on his fingers with kind of 'thump-CRACK' sound that only heavy Wookiees landing on soft, slimy fingers can make. Needless to say, this caused JMLarin to fall down the airchute...
"AHHHHH!!!" He screamed as he fell. After being tortured to exhaustion, this sound of death had a invigorating effect on you. You looked up, and then gasped in delight and joy as you saw...
posted 10-12-98 08:33 AM EDT (US)
...a beta copy of Drazen Isle sitting on the bar! You leap to your feet to grab the shining prize, when all of a sudden, a giant foot smashes through what's left of the ceiling, grinding your body into a bloody Jedi pulp.
Meanwhile, Derek Wallhugger, Jedi Knight and not "you," stands aghast outside the door as he looks up at the owner of the tremendous foot...
[This message has been edited by Pax (edited 10-12-98).]
posted 10-12-98 06:45 PM EDT (US)
...and realizes that the foot has no owner. It just ends at the ankle. A closer examination reveals the words "Monty Python's Flying Circus" inscribed on the heel. So Derek goes off, headed for the Bespin Administration Building to get his name changed to, well, anything else. But before he can reach the building, the gnarled body of JMLarin springs up from the side of the city and....
posted 10-12-98 08:54 PM EDT (US)
..George Lucas suddenly materializes out of nowhere and uses his God-like abilities to erase the fiend. "I will have none of this in MY universe!" says the creator, and then he once again goes back to ignoring fan letters.
Our friend Derek stumbles in awe..and soon finds himself falling off the edge of the city, spinning faster and faster until he is nothing but a smear on the windshield of a cloud car.
Once again, we return to the bar where the patrons are laughing and seeing how many straws they can stick in Uggy's charred little nostrils. Suddenly, from out of the wreckage, comes a hand. slowing rising to life the burned body of Uggy gasps and hisses at the scared-stiff patrons of the bar.
Without warning, strange monks enter the bar and encircle the rapsing form of the burned Uganaught. When they step away, uggy is dressed in a stylish new UgVader getup, complete with breath mask and spit-pollished helmet. Conversation suddenly strikes up again, and the patrons turn back to their drinks and their lives...that is, until...
posted 10-12-98 09:10 PM EDT (US)
The bar door flew open. All the patrons turned to reply with their usual "Hello", but then froze as they saw none other than George Lucas standing in the door. As they went over to bow at the feet of the Great One, they noticed something was wrong....he didn't seem, well...alive.
Suddenly they looked up as George's lips slid back to reveal a set of fangs.
"How do you like my latest creation?" a voice said from behind the vampire lucas. It was Time Winters.
"I'm tired of you people bad-mouthing me, so I created the ultimate monster. The invulnerablity of a vampire, with the god-like powers of George Lucas.
Suddenly the Lucas vampire lifted his hands into the air. Lightening crackled off his finger tips and he summoned up a horrible monster known as "the Phantom Menace". The Phantom lept into the crowd of cantina patrons, sending them fleeing for their lives. They tried as best they could, but the phantom finally cornered them. Just when it seemed as if it was all over.....
posted 10-12-98 09:21 PM EDT (US)
Two cloaked figures appear from behind the evil beast and give it the vuclan nerve pinch, killing it and sending it to the cold hard floor.
The first figures removes his cloak, appearing to now be robot resembling a... gumball machine??!! "It is I, Tom Servo. ANd this is my robot buddy Crow!" Says he, as Crow removes his cloak. "Yes, we are here to continue the plot and save you from the evil that approaches!"
Our hero looks down the street, to see a whole brigade of mimes heading for the Cantina, led by none other than.....
posted 10-12-98 09:29 PM EDT (US)
The Vampiric Lucas and Time Winters! Then, heroicly ignoring the MST3K subplot that was for some reason included, the cantina patrons lept into action, weilding their assorted weapons as they charged into the crowd....
posted 10-12-98 09:30 PM EDT (US)
RBF, carrying (as usual) a stapler, the Duck-Handled-Stake, and a nifty crossbow. "My god, can't you freaks EVER leave us alone?" He shoots several of the VampireMimes with his crossbow, before tossing it into the air. "Someone, catch!" He then dashes off into the fray, unsheathing the DHS and dodging through the mimes. He reaches the raised dais that the mindless mimes are carrying Time and the Vampiric Lucas. He kicks Time in the jaw, and watches his unconscious body fall to the floor. "Time out," he says, then grimaces at the pun he just made. The Vampiric Lucas turns to face him. "You know, this is MY universe, and I say you can't exist."
"Uhm, ok, whatever," RBF says, kicking at the delusional vampire. "But there's one *kick* thing *kick* you're forgetting!" He kicks the vampire in the gut, and it falls to the ground. "Impossible!" the LucasVampire screams. "This is MY Universe!"
"uhm, hello, freaky looking bearded dude with long teeth? First of all, I don't worship you. And secondly," he turns around to check on Time. Suddenly, the vampire grabs him from behind and spins him around. "Secondly, I rule this place!" RBF stares at the Long Toothed Freak, then knees him as hard as he can. As the vampire doubles over in pain, he says "You can rule the inside of a dustbuster," he sticks the carved piece of wood straight through the back of the vampire, piercing his heart. The vampire explodes in a cloud of dust. RBF turns to see....
[This message has been edited by RBF (edited 10-12-98).]
posted 10-12-98 09:39 PM EDT (US)
[This message has been edited by Void Dragon (edited 10-12-98).]
posted 10-12-98 10:43 PM EDT (US)
... a giant cloud of fire and brimstone expanding on the Cloud City street. Rolling his eyes, RBF says, "Oh great, now what?"
The sulfurous cloud disapated, revealing none other than Rick McCallum. "The Creator has been destroyed," McCallum's booming voice declared. "Now I must take the reigns, lest the Star Wars universe rend itself apart under the writings of Kevin J Anderson." With a simple wave of his hand, the vampire mimes were shattered by an invisible reality altering wave. "There shall be no more vampires in my universe, no more vampires and no more Death Stars. No more vampires, no more Death Stars, and no more Young Jedi Knight books. But that's policy. Anyway," he said, motioning to RBF. "Action! (Hee hee, I always wanted to say that, but George wouldn't let me!) And then, with another puff of purple fire, the great McCallum was gone.
RBF turned his gaze back to the dumbstruck Time Winters. "Looks like it's just you and me now, hack."
"Not so fast!" Time declared. "Or have you forgotten...
posted 10-12-98 11:27 PM EDT (US)
...about Rick's arch nemesis?"
A cruel smile formed on Time's lips as Kevin J Anderson steped forth from the shadows.
"I believe these two have a little, um, business to attend to...." Time said in a mocking voice, "In the mean time, I think it's time to rid what shall soon be my universe of you!"
Kevin J. Anderson ignited a lightsaber, as did Rick. The duel *snap-hiss* noise was just enough to distract RBF long enough for Time to pounce on him.
The vampire slayer flailed wildly in an attempt to free himself from Time's hold as Anderson and McCallum continued their duel beside him. RBF reached out to try to grab the DHS as Time scratched at his eyes.
"You want that, don't you?" the mock-Twi'lek said to the pinned RBF as he looked down at the DHS.
Winters let go with one hand to pick up the stake. RBF saw his opportunity and took it. As Winters shifted his weight off of his chest, RBF brought his fist up, delivering a crushing blow to Time's jaw.
The bad actor grabbed the stake just as RBF's shot sent him flying backwards. He recovered from the strike surprisingly quick, and raised the stake up to use it against it's owner.
RBF stumbled to his feet just as Time brought the stake crashing down to where he had just been laying.
Winters let out an ear-piercing battle-cry and charged with the stake again. RBF was ready this time, and caught him in the chest with a swift kick. He heard a sickening crack as at least three of Time's ribs snapped like dry twigs.
But the brief moment of celebration that RBF enjoyed as he watched Time fall was swiftly turned to one of horror as he watched his precious DHS go flying off the side of the city.
"SON OF A ..." RBF yelled out as he watched the stake fall off the side. Suddenly he heard a blood curddling scream coming from behind him. He whipped around just in time to see Kevin J. Anderson cleave Rick Mc Callum in two. Anderson turned from his fallen foe to RBF. RBF's eyes franticly searched for the crossbow that he had cast aside, but could not find it. Just then RBF saw something out of the corner of his eye. Taking his focus off of Anderson for a brief moment, he glanced over his shoulder to see as small black dragon hovering behind him holding the DHS.
"Thanks!" RBF yelled as he grabbed his precious weapon from the dragon's claws.
"Don't mention it," the dragon said, flying off of the battle field and landing on a small antenna a few meters away.
RBF turned his attention back to the dark jedi writer, lifted the stake, and charged...
posted 10-13-98 12:04 AM EDT (US)
...straight into a guy all dressed in black robes. He lifted the hood.
"Umm...hi. I'm kinda new in town, and I'm trying to find the Darkness Falls building so that I can turn in this music article. Where would I go?"
"Well," RBF said, "I'm a little busy at the moment." He nodded over to where he had been running.
"Hey, is that Time Winters?"
"You bet. I was just about to go kill him when I ran into you."
"Oh, well why didn't you say so? My name's Speaker4theDead, but you can call me Speak. Let's go kick some bad actor booty!"
Speak pulled out his trusty violet lightsaber, dismissed it for the moment as being a little too canonical for this story, and then drew his extra-large Spork (that's a spoon/fork, combo, dontchuknow) and followed RBF, who had already started to charge towards Winters...
posted 10-13-98 12:09 AM EDT (US)
Winters ducked RBF's wild charge, and swung at him, but RBF jumped over winters swing and continued behind winters. Winters was in two minds about whether to follow RBF or to watch the new comer speak who had his trusty SPORK. That moment of indecision was all that was needed for RBF to pin Winters shirt to the floor, leaving him at RBF and Speak's mercy. The heroes looked down at the vanquished winters.........
posted 10-13-98 06:41 AM EDT (US)
... who promptly became the 'vanished' Winters.
"How'd that happen?" RBF asked. Speak just smiled and looked at his SPORK with admiration. "Nice tool, this," he commented. "Well, that's one less bad actor," continued Speak, still wielding his trusty SPORK. "Who do we fight now?"
"I suppose that we need to kick his boty," indicated Speak, gesturing at KJA. "He's still a menace, although not a phantom. He's almost as bad as Time Winters - except that he's powered by to the Dark Force of Cliches!"
RBF realized the effect of this as soon as Sppeak uttered 'cliches' with a capital 'C'. "He's affecting us! This will be bad for the next issue of Darkness Falls - err, I've got a bad feeling about this!"
[This message has been edited by FarraxNarrn (edited 10-13-98).]
posted 10-13-98 09:01 AM EDT (US)
Meanwhile, as RBF and Speak assaulting the charging Burger Boy (whatever the hell that is), Kevin J. Anderson stood triumphantly over the body of Rick McCallum, the power of the dark side of Creation flowing through him.
"Ha ha ha ha!" Anderson laughed. "Now I will write a new trilogy, and fix all the crap Zahn did in his latest series. Mara will bear Luke twin twins, the Empire will return with 5 new Death Stars and the new Hero Hurter, and then Leia will proclaim herself Emperor of the galaxy!"
"Never," came a voice from behind the dark Writer.
"What-?" Anderson spun. "No, not you!"
"Yes," Timothy Zahn. "And I have air cover as well." With that, a duo of X-Wings swooped down over the city.
"Oh no! Stackpole and Allston!" Anderson wailed.
"Yes, and I have Ann Crispin and the ghost of Brian Daley with me as well. Anderson, your defiling days are through!"
"Perhaps, fatso," Anderson sneered as he ignited his lightsaber. "But one of you is coming with me!"
"Poor, poor Kevin," Zahn shook his head. "So obsessed with cliches. Or have you forgotten? I'm a Writer, not a Jedi. You, on the other hand, are neither."
"So be it, Writer," Anderson announced. "And now you shall die!"
posted 10-13-98 04:19 PM EDT (US)
RBF watched as the Writer/Jedi Wannabe charged the group of writers. He turned to Speak.
"Give me your SPORK," he took the weapon and turned to the two-pieced body of McCallum. He scooped McCallum's upper half onto the SPORK and turned towards the Wannabe.
"Uhm...Let's see....THE DEATH STAR WAS THE STUPIDEST WEAPON EVER!"
The Wannabe ceased his charge and turned toward RBF with an evil glare in his eye.
"Well, I'd say that got his attention," RBF launched the half of McCallum at the Wannabe.
It hit him right in the chest and knocked him to the ground. The group of authors looked at him. "Well, I know you guys didn't need my help, but I'm the violent type," he shrugged. He went to walk away, but there was a large explosion...
posted 10-13-98 04:20 PM EDT (US)
Don't you hate it when someone posts at the same time as you, and you end up having to erase your post to keep the continuity? Grrr..
[This message has been edited by Fuurgh (edited 10-13-98).]
posted 10-13-98 06:13 PM EDT (US)
...which knocked RBF off his feet, and he lost Speak's SPORK, as it flew off the edge of Bespin!
Speak dove after it, screaming, "Don't worry about me! I have to get that SPORK back! I'll probably be back for a heroic rescue a little later once i get it back!"
RBF shook his head. If Kevin Anderson had been writing this, RBF would have said, "There goes either the bavest man or biggest fool alive." Luckily, KJA isn't writing this. Instead, RBF turned around to ascertain the source of the explosion...
posted 10-13-98 07:38 PM EDT (US)
...which he soon discovered was caused by a TIE fighter piloted by Kevin J Anderson's wife (who's name escapes me right now, but she helped write those horrible Young Jedi books...). The Fighter swooped over head, nearly clipping RBF as it went by.
Meanwhile, from high above the battlefield, in the Bespin Administration Complex, the two ultimate bad writers, Dean Devlin and Roland Emerich (at least I think those are their names, at any rate they did ID4 and Godzilla) sat in their thrones watching the battle progress.
"Poor fools," Dean said to Roland, "They don't even know that we have conquered them. While they were busy fighting our pawns, we snuck in the back and took the city over from the inside out."
"Yes," Roland said, still concentrating on the battle, "but we really should deal with them, they could be most troublesome..."
"You're right," Devlin said, turning his attention to a servant who had appeared at his side.
"Sir," the servant said nervously, "a man named John Williams requests to compose a themesong for this battle...."
"Tell him we've already hired Puff Daddy to write it. It should be good, too, he's going to do a remake of "Feelings" by Barbra Strisand."
"Yes sir," the servant said, turning to leave.
"Wait," Dean said, "I want you to have our defense team ready a little surprise for our friends down there."
"It shall be done, sir," the servant said as he exited the throne room.
RBF watched as the TIE fighter spun out of control into a nearby tower, showering the feild with debris. Suddenly, the entire city seemed to quake. He and the others turned around to see a giant lizard, surrounded by some of those little fighters from ID4 charging right at them....
posted 10-13-98 07:45 PM EDT (US)
When suddenly the guy from wargames appeared beside him.
"Hi, I'm Matthew Bro-" he was cut off by a kick to the jaw from RBF, then thrown over the edge of Bespin. "I hope Inspector Gadget doesn't suck!" he called, then turned back to the big lizard and the little fighter thingies.
"You know, I really didn't like your movies," he said, pulling out his stapler. He dashed towards the lizard, running up it's tail towards it head. "I mean, what's with your chin? Are you like the offspring of the T-Rex from Jurassic Park and Jay Leno?" With that he began putting staples all through the giant iguana's incredibly misproportioned chin, when one of the fighters....
posted 10-13-98 08:21 PM EDT (US)
OK THEN, even though mine was first, I'll delete it as that stupid saucer was incorporated into later chapters. Curses to you all.
Ignore this
Fired a laser at RBF, which narrowly missed him, but hit the JayLeno/TRex mutant. RBF narrowly missed being blown off the side of the mutant by all the staples he had managed to put in the side of the mutant. THe mutant, enraged by the blow he had received, started to turn against the fighters which it perceived as a menace.
"This isn't right!" cried Dean Devlin
"You're quite correct," agreed Roland Emerich. "It looks like the mutant's OS is malfunctioning."
"I knew we should have used Linux" said Dean. "This could seriously jepardize our hostile takover plans. At least that mutant should be able to take out RBF"
By this time the JL/TR mutant had managed to destroy all the fighters around it, and had discovered RBF clinging to its side. WIth a roar it threw RBF to the ground. RBF skidded towards the side of Bespin, only saving himself through adroit use of his stapler. As he struggled at the side he saw the JL/TR mutant coming closer.......
[Remember, ignore this]
[This message has been edited by Muuurgh (edited 10-14-98).]
posted 10-13-98 08:25 PM EDT (US)
...was thrown out of control by the dragon that had recovered the DHS. The fighter was sent spinning wildly into the side of a building. Satisfied with his work, the dragon flew off to pounce on another one of the craft.
Meanwhile, from their thrones in the Administration building, the Dirty Duo, Devlin and Emmerich, watched as their massive lizard was cut down by the strange chinless man's stapler.
"Hmmm..." Devlin said while stroking his chin, "These people have more skill than we gave them credit for...perhapse we should send something more formidable after them...."
"I've got just the thing," Emmerich said with a twisted grin.
RBF watched another fighter fly off into the side of the huge monster's corpse, sending another shower of gore spewing onto the city.
Suddenly a huge shadow slowly overtook the battleground. RBF and the dragon, who's name was Void, looked up to se a gigantic saucer shaped ship hovering above them....
posted 10-13-98 08:29 PM EDT (US)
Okay Muuurgh, one of us is going to have to delete our post...
posted 10-13-98 08:52 PM EDT (US)
Suddenly, Stackpole rises from beneath the dust, and summons huge Battlemechs from his... other books. But who cares? For while no one was watching, Nazi soldiers penetrated Cloud City and have killed all the innocent little people and burned their Bibles! Everyone falls to the unbeatable power of the plot twist.
But look, the Nazis aren't here to attack... they are running from someone! Yes! A dirty guy with a funny brown hat, who hasn't shaved in a week and is whipping the Nazis with his REAL leather whip. (It's really leather, really!)
"Hello, my name is India..." he is cut off by the fact that he has been shot in the back with a Gauss Rifle.
While it all seems hopeless, and a giant flying saucer still looms above it all for no reason whatsoever, there is but one person able to stop the madness.
No! Not the moderator, it is......
posted 10-13-98 09:03 PM EDT (US)
Void Dragon! Here to skip over Pug's completely unrelated entry and continue with the real story! Just then, something that had to do with the last entry (the one by me) happened, to be more specific....
posted 10-13-98 09:07 PM EDT (US)
...Speak! And wielding his trusty jumbo-sized SPORK!
"I told you I'd be back!" he cried. "And now, with a simple wave of my SPORK, I shall vanquish all of this crappy nonsense by horrible writers!"
But, just as he was about to use a simple wave of his SPORK to vanquish all of this crappy nonsense by horrible writers, something dramatic occurred (thus extending this story for at least a few more posts)...
posted 10-13-98 09:55 PM EDT (US)
... Tom Hanks shows up with 7 other guys with rifles and begins whupping Nazis. The little band does a pretty good job, too. Unfortuanately, the majority of them (including Hanks) gets killed during the action.
The Nazis are now gone, but there's still the case of that big saucer thing...
posted 10-13-98 11:17 PM EDT (US)
One of the Mechs breaks formation and fires a few(hundred) LRMs at the unknown ship. A huge hole opens up and thousands of fan-headed aliens pour out over the side of the city, as the ship tilts on it's axis and mysteriously misses turning the city into scrap. While the Mech pilot laughs maniacally, the TR/JL mutant swatted one of the X-Wings out of the air. It skidded to a halt a hundred meters from the Mech's position, losing both lower wings in the process. The pilot screamed "NO! NOT STACKPOLE!!" and fired 5 pulse lasers at the mutant. The damn thing screamed and ran off. The pilot stopped to giggle some more, then remembered the downed X-Wing. Stackpole was unconscious inside and the cockpit was jammed, so the pilot jumped out with a pair of lightsabers and sliced it open. Then she jumped back in the Mech and used the arms to pry it open. She jumped back out and pulled Stackpole clear of the wreckage, and handed him off to Pax, who picked a hell of a time to show up. Once again she jumped into the Mech and ran off to battle....
posted 10-13-98 11:50 PM EDT (US)
... the scant remnants of the ID4 fighters.
"No! No! No!" Devlin screamed from their secret vantage point. "This can't be happening!"
"Face it, Dean," Emmerich said quietly. "First The Vistor, then Godzilla, and now this. We're through."
"No!" Devlin refused. "I refuse to go quietly into that dark night!"
Emmerich simply motioned out the window. "I don't think you have a choice anymore."
"What?" Devlin looked out the window to find Allston's burning fighter spiraling in towards them.
"Yub, yub, boys," came Allston's voice over the com as he ejected. The fighter slammed through the window, exploding spectacularly, sending flame and debris cascading out the windows. As the building shook from the blast, it's power conduits suddenly ignited one by one, starting from the top. The building flashed white, and then was blown apart along it's axis from the top down.
Pax looked up at the flaming remnants and said, "That's a fitting ending to that."
The sounds of battle decreased as the remnants of the various armies were rounded up. As the dust settled, the end result was final and very one sided: the KoCC and the light-side Writers were victorious.
"Something is missing, though," Pax said to those around him. "I think we've overlooked something."
[This message has been edited by Pax (edited 10-13-98).]
posted 10-14-98 06:09 PM EDT (US)
As the celebration went into the night, one of Devlin and Emmerich's creations, called a Star Gate, sprung to life in the ruins of the administration building. A human armed with two repeater rifles steped out of the gate and looked around at the destruction that surrounded him. It was Kurt Rusell.
He loaded his repeater rifles, and said, "This one's for Goldie." as he strode towards the celebration...
posted 10-14-98 06:27 PM EDT (US)
Somewhere, in a far away universe out of step with the time of this universe, Muuurgh sat up.
"I feel a strange disturbance...I was must warn the KoCC"
Muuurgh sent out his mental thought over the time/space continium, hoping to warn the KoCC in time to prevent the evil Kurt Russell from taking over.
"Warning KoCC....can you hear me? Help yourselves, you're your only hope."
[This message has been edited by Muuurgh (edited 10-14-98).]
posted 10-14-98 07:54 PM EDT (US)
The call came in late at night and Joe Mannix, having had too much Corellian Ale, marked the incoming message as Top priority, or as its better known....bottome of the garbage bin, Joe then went out to enjoy some more Ale where he met a strage fighter pilot known as BJ Hunnicut he was an executive officer in the Dark Angel Alliance, After revieling to Joe that he was a Commander, Hunnicut was knocked unconcious by.....
posted 10-14-98 08:11 PM EDT (US)
Kurt Russel! He promptly blew Hunnicut to cinders with his twin repeater rifles, and then turned them on the bar patrons....
posted 10-14-98 10:21 PM EDT (US)
The pedestrians screamed in fear. The ones that could even move scrambled to get behind the bar. Russel raised his gun, ready to blast them all to little giblets, but just then, in came...
posted 10-14-98 11:37 PM EDT (US)
Void Dragon, with the final copy of Scorpion Consortium, momentarily distracting all, including Kurt Russel, allowing...
posted 10-15-98 06:53 AM EDT (US)
...UgDarth to tear the guns from his sweaty grip, and speaking of grip, choke the very life out of the invader. "you have busted up THIS bar for the last time" He rasped into Kurt's face, just as his eyes rolled up into his head.
Everyone stood in silence for a minute, while two janitorial officers came in to remove the mess. Sudenly, Jeff came in the back door and offered free drinks all around. Accepting this cue, the cantina patrons immediatly struck up the conversation and all returned to normal, until...
posted 10-15-98 11:50 PM EDT (US)
Sylvester Stalone, out to revenge his brother in bad acting, rushes through the door!
posted 10-16-98 05:49 PM EDT (US)
Unbeknownst to all FOX commanded All powerful George Lucas to Bring back Hunnicut because the people invovled with M*A*S*H were unhappy. Hunnicut reappeared and suddenly was promoted to Sgt. Major. Hunnicut then slugged out Sly Stalone and raced to a shuttle and took off for parts unknown. Joe cleared Slys pockets and went out to spend it on some girl he could meet in the local bar Meanwhile...........
posted 10-16-98 07:29 PM EDT (US)
The Fox exects came to their senses, and had George write everything that had to do with M*A*S*H out of the SW universe forever. Then Sly came to, and....
posted 10-17-98 12:42 PM EDT (US)
was decapitated by a serving tray that someone had thrown during a food fight that had erupted after the disappearance of all the M*A*S*Hers. As his body fell to the floor it was quickly covered in macaroni thrown from a giant spoon held by RBF.
The food continued to fly, and no one noticed the door open, or the small figure dash around behind Tarea, who was busy throwing large amounts of cole-slaw at a middle-aged bald man attempting to stop the fight.
Suddenly, all the lights shut off, and a single light shone on Taraea and the small figure. She turned and looked at him.
"Hi! My name is Faelan. I have brown eyes and brown hair and freckles. My birthday is June 17th. I'll be 11. I'm looking for a girlfriend who's
nice, has nice parents, wants a boyfriend. I hope you like me." A large wolf ran in and picked up Taraea in it's jaws, Faelan jumped on its back and they ran out the door...
posted 10-17-98 01:41 PM EDT (US)
Taraea snarls and grabs the lightsaber hanging on her belt. She ignites it and slices the lower jaw off of the wolf. Faelan falls off and cowers in terror.
"P-p-p-leease don't kill me!"
Taraea stood there for a few seconds, deep blue blade held high, then shut it off.
"No way assmunch. You don't deserve death, even for stealing Fuurgh's nick."
She puts on a pair of heavily-inulated elbow-long gloves, picks up the little retarded reject from the Wizard of Oz, and takes him back to the cantina. Everyone gasps wheb they see her carrying the bastard through the door, but when she walks over to Sinclair, they grin and return to the food fight.
"Hey, Sinc, could ya give this to your Wookiee pal?"
She drops the dork on the floor and goes back to the fight.
posted 10-17-98 02:05 PM EDT (US)
As the wookie picks Faelen up to throw him out the door, the freakish imp looks up to the wook and says, "Hey, you're kinda pretty, wanna be my--"
Out of total and utter fear, the wookie promptly dropped the troll and ran out of the cantina screaming.
The whole room froze as Faelen walked back into the bar. Taraea looked around in desperation for some kind of weapon to use against him, but found none.
Suddenly there was a large boom, and Faelen's body went flying into the crowd. The whole bar turned to see where the shot came from, and saw Void Dragon standing at the door with a large shotgun.
All of the sudden a horrified shreak rang out through the bar. Everyone turned to see Faelen get back up, seemingly unphased by the blast, and continue his march towards Taraea.
"This is my Boomstick!" Void said raising his shotgun again. He fired again at the wolfboy. The shot hit, but this time Faelen just took the blast in stride and continued walking towards Taraea.
Void reloaded and fired again, and again, and again. Faelen just kept walking.
As void raised the gun to fire once more, Taraea jumped in front of Taraea.
"No....Void....don't....shoot....him." she said in a monotone voice.
"He's got her under some kind of spell!" RBF yelled
The whole bar just stood, staring at Faelen and the hypnotised Taraea, wondering what to do next....
posted 10-17-98 02:27 PM EDT (US)
When all of a sudden a blue hazzy sparkley cloud forms in the center of the room. The cloud emmits an eary blue glow that bathes the cantina. From the center of the cloud steps Entropy.
Since he's been busy of late, he's total confused by the confused looks on everyones faces. Then he notices faelen walking towrds tarea. "Oh... Hm... Well, since everyone is standing around sratching themselves, look like It's my turn t be the hero."
"Be right back." Entropy steps back into his little portal and a few seconds later returns with his proton pack he stole from a ghostbuster. He raises the barrel in front of his faces and blows a layer of dust off of it, "Man, haven't used this thing for a while, hope i still remember how to tweak it like I used to in the good ole days."
Entropy sets the beam to double negative inverse feedback halves the stream badnwidth and sets the power coupling internal gyroscopic wave generator to resonate at a really high frequency. "This should do it..."
Entropy fires the beam at the pool table. "Alright, if I tweaked this thing right thge pool table should now be a mutant pool table that is hungry for faelen."
Entropy watches with dispair as the table instead turns into a golden glowing orb. Normal, under normal circumstances Entropy would be amazed by such a thing and coimment on how cool that would look in his incredible large dorm room, but not today, no, Entropy quickly rethought his strategy and sprung into action.
Entropy walks over to faelen, and whispers something in his ear, then points toward one of the regulars thats in the corner talking shots of pure grain alcohol and seems to be trying to "get with" a plant in the corner. Faelen's eyes light up and he quickly runs towrads him.
RBF says "what did you say to him to make him so interested in sinc?"
"Oh, i just told him how big of a ladies man sinc is, and that if he wants to get some chicks he should start hanging with sinc."
as faelen runs over to sinc, gives him a big hug and says "will you be my new fwend?"...
posted 10-17-98 02:53 PM EDT (US)
Sinc felt his knees get weak, and he fell over, unable to move. He tried to claw his way out of the cantina to no avail. The band began playing some creepy X-Files music as Faelan neared Sinc, and just as his spindly arms touched Sinc, the poor victim's heart stopped beating. Faelan looked up, searching for his next "fwend"...
The hypnotised Tarea began tugging on RBF's shirt, pulling him towards the devil child known as Faelan. RBF screamed at a pitch higher than even Tarea's, and he frantically pulled off his shirt whilst running out of the cantina, calling for help.
A squad of stormtroopers came in and started shooting at the surprisingly nimble freak. Of course, their aim was so horrible that they shot Tarea's foot, breaking the spell.
There was only one person who could stop the havoc...
[This message has been edited by Fuurgh (edited 10-17-98).]
posted 10-17-98 03:43 PM EDT (US)
the undead mangle corpse of JMLarin stumbles into the Cantina...
Faelan looks over his shoulder as RBF and Taraea in terror jump behind the bar peering around the edge.
"What are we going to do." Taraea shouts over the dramatic music blaring from somewhere above.
RBF grabs a whisky and passes her a tall glass as he down the bottle.
JMLarin and Faelan begin to circle each other looking for a weakness in there rivals power. Who will win this ultimate battle of evil -vs- evil....
posted 10-17-98 04:17 PM EDT (US)
Just before the fur starts flying, Entropy figures it's time to do something these children's parents should have done to the a long time ago. Entropy springs into action.
He first heads over to where RBF and Tareae are hiding. He grabs the bottle from RBF "Don't you know this stuff can kill ya? I also bet you'd be a scary drunk. I want you to go sit over there in the corner with the plant sinc was hitting on and think about what you did."
RBF replies "yes sir..."
Entropy then turns to taraea, and in his own charismatic way that woman can't resist he cockily says "you stay here, things might get ugly, I don't want you to get splattered with blood, or something." then he flashes a corny smile that he thknks drives woman crazy at her.
"Uhuh... Ok, if you say so... And by the way, I'm greatful for your help a minute ago, but could you please start typing my name right?"
Entropy then stands up, and swaggers over to where jmlarin and faelin are facing off. HE grabs them both by the scruff of the neck. HE looks at faelin. "How to deal with you...? hmm this maybe tricky, I'll deal with jmlarin first, so you stay here." Entropy then proceds to duct tape faelin to a chair.
"As for you." Entropy walks over to the safe where jeff keep the univers-al remote, and takes it out. Entropy uses the remote to turn jmlarin into a cockroach and sets him free to live with the society of cockroaches that live in the storage room of the cantina. "It's an improvement..."
Entropy looks at faelin "I know what i'm going to do with you..." He picks up the phone and makes a call. "Hi, is this the bespin community education registra? Yes, i have one student that I would like to enroll in your public schooling program. What district? Hmmm... Good question. Ah, just throw him in with one of the 'lower class' diistricts. Oh really? Yes, i agree more schools should have a dress code of knickers, knee high arguile socks and sweaters with a crest. I think he'll look cute in that. Yes. Thank you for your help, bye." *click* Entropy looks over at faelin and grins...
posted 10-17-98 04:31 PM EDT (US)
Just as the Bespin Education Authorities arrive to pick Faelen up. They take one look at the horrible creature, and run away screaming.
"Oh crap..." Entropy said, "Any ideas?"
"Hey," Void shouted from the doorway, "remember that time Jeff got really drunk, and..."
All of the sudden, all the regulars of the cantina had the same thought. They all rushed into the storage area of the bar, and came back a few minutes later carrying......
a sea cow.
"Who's that?" Faelen said, while turning his attention away from Taraea.
"Why that's...." void said improvising, "that's just Bespin's most elligible bachlorette."
"Really?" Faelen said, staring at the sea cow.
"Yup," Void said, seeing that his plan was working, "she's just your type too...."
Faelen shot towards the sea cow like a bolt of lightning, grabbed her, and they walked out of the bar together.
"I'm confused," RBF said to Void, "Is this a happy ending, or should we be disturbed?"
"I don't think it is an ending!" Entropy said, pointing at the sky, "Look!"
posted 10-17-98 04:32 PM EDT (US)
Sorry I would have deleted before but the computer lab closed.
[This message has been edited by Myshadowstar (edited 10-18-98).]
posted 10-17-98 05:09 PM EDT (US)
Okay Myshadowstar, one of us has to delete our posts, and everyone I've talked to likes mine better....
posted 10-17-98 05:13 PM EDT (US)
A large egg fell from the sky, landing right in front of Entropy.
"I don't think that's Mork," said RBF as the shell opened. A female jumped out and looked around the crowd.
"Why are you so mean? I don't like you. I'm Jan, from Giniuses and Company (sic)" she said, and the patrons cringed away from her.
"Moooo!" the sea cow came crashing in through the roof. Jeff immediately grabbed the first aid kit and began attending to the cow's wounds. At the same time Faelan appeared at the front door.
"Jan, will you be my sweethawt?" he asked.
"Wait a second," Sinc called, slightly drunk. Actually, it sounded more like "waiashecin", but for the sake of coherency (which we obviously lack) we'll use what he meant instead of what he said. "Jan is really Debt-" he was cut off with a shovel to back of the head.
"Go ahead, Faelan," RBF said, hiding the shovel behind his back. "I'm sure you two will be happy together." As he watched the two local losers walk out of the bar, he felt a grip on his shoulder, he turned to see Taraea with a less than happy look on her face.
"That wasn't very nice," she said. Sinc staggered to his feet beside her. "Hey, where'd they go?" he asked drunkenly. "Shut up," she said, punching him in the jaw and knocking him out again. "Now, as I was saying-"
Just then, through one of the huge holes in the roof, a large number of vampires dropped in, led by Time Winters.
"We can talk about this later. Right now we've got some Time to kill," RBF cracked.
"Boy, you're just full of the puns, aren't you?" Time asked, from behind his wearing off twi'lek make-up. He stormed across the floor towards Taraea and RBF but slipped on the greasy floor.
"Time's slipping away," RBF said, moving alongside Taraea towards Time and the vamps....
posted 10-17-98 05:33 PM EDT (US)
"Not these jokers again!" Void said from the door with shotgun and sledgehammer in hand.
The vamps swung around to see Void. Suddenly they all lept at him, throwing him to the floor. Shotgun blasts took out a few of them, but the vamps just kept coming. Suddenly, they retreated from Void. Void stood there, but something wasn't right. There were two small wounds on his neck.
"Tiiiiime, is on my side, yes he is." Void said while walking towards RBF and Taraea, aiming his shot gun....
posted 10-17-98 05:34 PM EDT (US)
Standing in the midst of the chaos Steven Spielberg sighes as he watches Void Dragon approach RBF and Taraea as the vampires approach him and Faelan drag a limp, seemingly dead Sinclair into his parents car.
"I told George this would happen if he made that damn movie in the midst of the 70's, did he listen to me? N...", before Steven can finish his preaching Faelan whacks him over the head with RBF's shovel and shoves him in the boot.
"Wow, two wives. I can finally move to Salt Lake City now", he hops in his parent's car and barrells through the crowd of vampires, leaving RBF and Taraea to a fate of......
[This message has been edited by Jeff Walters (edited 10-17-98).]
posted 10-17-98 05:44 PM EDT (US)
the vampires swarmed all over the two. Entropy is sick of these jokers and decided to go out side for a smoke since the damn authorities made the cantina smoke free.
through the thin walls that jeff had built as cheaply as possible he could hear the mayhem inside. "bastards" he thought to himself.
out of no where a dull gray 88 olds mobile station wagon comes streaking around the corner and pulls up in front of the cantina, a throw back nmiddle aged stobner from the seventy leans out of the car and yells, "hurry up son, we gotta go score some herb before we pick your mom up from rehab!"
Faelan runs through the door with jan and dragging jeff, he throws jeff's limp body in the back, and scores a cheap feel in the processes.
"looks like jeff needs my help, again..." entropy sighs
the station wagon peel out of the parking lot leave marks on the oil stained pavement. Entropy is in hot pursuit on foot.
Some how he manages to run up and grab the bumper on the car. the car starts to drag hi while he tries to pull up. he manages to climb onto the roof, he peers in and sees jeff lying unconscience next to sinc, he also sees jan and faelan doing lines. "maybe i should leave the two crack addicts alone, the only problem is i can only carry one person. hmm... sinc or jeff..." he thinks to himself...
posted 10-17-98 05:48 PM EDT (US)
....all of a sudden Faelan bursts through the roof of the car and tackles Entropy. Jeff takes the oppurtunity to sneak out the back door of this story.
posted 10-17-98 05:52 PM EDT (US)
Void turned from Taraea and RBF, distracted by the gray car in the parking lot that kept bouncing up and down, up and down, followed by the muffled screams of Entropy.
That gave RBF and Taraea enough time to...
posted 10-17-98 06:23 PM EDT (US)
... call in couple of old pals. A speeder barrels down the street and over the top of the station wagon. It misses Entropy and takes Faelan's head off. Entropy flips the speeder off and jumps clear.
Meanwhile the speeder pulls to a stop outside the Cantina, and Jason Court and Angela Harry step out. Angela's carriying a nice repeater rifle, and Jason't packing a rail launcher. RBF and Taraea wave just in time for Winters(no pun intended) to turn and scream. The duo let loose with enough power and explosives to blow up a freighter, all aimed at Time's chest. Jan blows his arm clean off, and he looks down to see a dozen rails stuck in his.. forget it. Taraea sticks her patented "4th of July" charge on his head and RBF pokes him in the eye with a stake, for old time's sake(still not intending a pun). the Wookiee kicks him into the night sky, where he blows up like, well, a 4th of July show. Where do you think that charge's name came from?! The four stand at the front of a crowd of patrons and watch the fireworks, then RBF and Taraea join the two newcomers for a few rounds...
[This message has been edited by Taraea (edited 10-17-98).]
posted 10-17-98 06:28 PM EDT (US)
...just then a shotgun blast takes out Jason Court.
"Forget something?" the vampiric Void said from the doorway
posted 10-17-98 06:48 PM EDT (US)
"Well, time to change verb tenses again," said RBF as he made his way through the throng of vampires (Remember them?) towards Void. Before he can reach him a vampire jumps on his back. RBF reacts with amazing speed (or something) and ducks, flipping the vampire over his head onto a leg of a broken chair, a remnant of the food fight. "How convenient," RBF remarked, and dove at Void's feet.
He landed and spun like a breakdancing wonder, taking out Void's legs and sending his shotgun flying through the air. He lept on top of the former patron and held the stake right above the heart. "Now listen, DragonFreak, we're going to cast a little spell here, but only because you've been helpful before." At this point a large caravan of gypsies shows up and carries off Void.
"Thanks, guys," RBF said, crouching and surveying the scene. Angela and Taraea were crouched over Jason Court's corpse. Pax had a vampire in a full nelson, and BA staked it, causing Pax to get a thick layer of vamp dust on him. Entropy, back from his trip, was beating a vampire with the shovel. He swiped the vamp's legs out from under him, and the vamp came down hard. E then stuck the shovel right through the vamps neck, and it's head rolled away before becoming dust. Jeff, on the other hand, was a sad sight. He was beating on a vampire with what looked like a napkin holder.
"Oh great," said RBF. "He just can't handle himself anymore. Where's my crossbow?" He looked up and saw it fall into his hands. "Hmm...guess no one caught it." He took aim and shot the vamp in the back, dusting it. Jeff looked at the napkin holder in surprise, and began beating other vamps with it. "This could be a long fight," RBF sighed.
Meanwhile, Taraea.....
posted 10-17-98 07:12 PM EDT (US)
Taraea and Angela stood up and helped their patient to his feet. While Taraea was slicing her way through the vampire crowd, Angela had managed to stop the bleeding and remove those damn lead pellets. When Taraea finally got across the room(where one of the vamps had thrown her), she healed him the rest of the way. Jason ignited his lightsaber, Taraea handed Angela her other one, and they finished off the vampires in true cliche-filled style.
They walked in front of the door just in time for the gypsies to bring Void back. Angela, being in front, was knocked into Jason, who then fell on Taraea. "Great, just great." Taraea muttered and got up, then helped the other two up. "Okay, we killed the vampires," Taraea said to RBF and Void. "Who's next?"
posted 10-17-98 07:23 PM EDT (US)
[This message has been edited by Void Dragon (edited 10-17-98).]
posted 10-17-98 07:45 PM EDT (US)
"You two," RBF said, pointing at Angela and Jason. "Out of here." They hopped and flew away, muttering about the freakiness of the cantina.
"Now," said RBF, gathering the remaining patrons together. "Void and Taraea, I want you two watching the door. Faelan is still out there somewhere, along with the rest of GaCk and Larin. Entropy, you, BA, and Pax head to the infirmary, you don't look so good. Speaking of which-" he pulled a large ice pack out of a trunk and held it to his head. "-my head hurts. Jeff, please don't hit Time with your napkin holder. It's not nice." Jeff whimpered and looked like he was about to cry. "Oh, you can beat up Sinc," he said and watched Jeff begin to hit the unconcious drunk with a napkin holder.
"Good bartender," RBF said. "The rest of you, clean!" That's when things started to go wrong.
First, the dead bodies around the room began to get up, with a new set of teeth in them. Then the relatively undamged wall of the cantina blew in, and there stood Faelan, complete with ZombieJan at his side. "Hi guys!" he cried. "I'm hewe wif my sweethawt!"
"Ok, enough is enough. You guys handle the vamps, I'm taking out Lucifer." He threw his ice pack at Faelan, knocking him to the ground. He came face to face with Jan, and kicked her in the gut. She doubled over, and he picked her up and threw her into the vampire/patron battle behind him. He picked up Faelan by the collar. "Listen to me you creepy little socially inept loser. You won't be getting a living girlfriend with your stupid contest."
The boy grinned, revealing a set of sharp, glistening teeth, definately not human, but not vampiric either. "Oh great, a Crest kid. No wonder you talk like that." He tried to remeber where he had seen teeth like that before, when it hit him. "I know what you are," he said. "And I know how to kill you."
"And I, you!" the boy said, with a scream that knocked RBF halfway across the room. A vampire attacked him, but he staked it easily. "Not now, you idiots. I'm trying to take out something far, far worse." He dove behind a table as another blast of words came from Faelan. RBF took out his stapler, dumped out the staples, and replaced them with a different kind of staple.
"Hey Faelan! I know a girl who is perfect for you." RBF stood and began walking towards the freak.
"Rewwy? Who?" Faelan grinned his nasty grin.
"I call her-" RBF drove several hundred staples into the body of the loser, particularly around the mouth. As soon as his mouth was completely sealed, Faelan shriveled up and disappeared. "Actually, I don't call my stapler anything." He turned to see what had happened while he was fighting Faelan....
posted 10-17-98 07:53 PM EDT (US)
He saw Jananicans attacking Void Dragon. Void swung his shotgun like a club at her, knocking her off of her feet. She got up, but the whole bar noticed that her hair had mysteriously fallen off.
"She's a man baby! A man!" an unidentified patron said.
The whole bar gasped. Void grabbed a bottle of those damn pills that Tynar is always pushing on people off of the bar and shoved the contents of it down "Jan's" throat. "Jan" went into spasms and turned into a....
[This message has been edited by Void Dragon (edited 10-17-98).]
posted 10-17-98 09:22 PM EDT (US)
...a gigantic, mutant creature with the body of a rancor, a Hutt-lik