posted 06-15-99 10:58 PM ET (US)        

A long, long, longlonglonglonglonglong *deep breath* looooooooooong time ago, or at least before that other thing, in a galaxy that's still as far away as it'll be later, this stuff happened...

STAR WARS (dun-daaaaaaa!)

EPISODE... NEGATIVE THIRTY-SEVEN
The officially licensed, completely authorized Never Ending Story Prequel

It is a dark time for the galaxy... no, not because there's some nasty bad Empire, but because there isn't! Without a nasty bad Empire to fight against, we have a story about Tax routes and badly lipsinched aliens and...

Anyway, nothing's really happening in the galaxy, except for high taxes and bad acting, so let's go blow some stuff up...

A darkly painted Republic Cruiser glided across space, it's finally tuned ion drives thrumming rhythmically in the empty, airless, vacuous void of space. It darted towards a tiny planet, surrounded by dozens and dozens of Trade Federation Battle Cruisers.

"We have a problem," the cloaked pilot said. "Drazen has been blockaded."

The man in the copilot seat, also cloaked, nodded. "It's just a lame plot rip off, pay it no mind."

Suddenly, the viewscreen up above the windowscreen came to life, a bug eyed green skinned dude appearing. "We gots ya on ahr screens nah, Storm Runnah Nega-tive Un. Pleeease ahdentifah yo-selves."

"We live here," cloaked guy number one said. "Buzz off."

"Ahm 'fraid we cain't do that. Why dontcha come on board my flag sheep and we'll talk about this all friendly-like?"

Robed man one looked at robed man two. "They don't have any idea what they're asking for, do they?"

And so, the SR-1 touched down in the bay of the funny looking Federation Battle ship. the ramp came down, and the two cloaked men came down as the Battle droids watched. "You guys stay in there till we need you," cloaked man number one said. "Believe me, you'll know..."

As they reached the bottom of the ramp, the two men looked around at the ship. Both reached up, and pulled down their hoods.

"I have a bad feeling about this," the Jedi known as Pax said.

posted 06-15-99 11:19 PM ET (US)            

"Roger Roger!", replies the droid, making his way to the bridge.

"Haven't I seen these things somewhere before?", asked RBF bluntly, "Like on a movie screen somewhere?"

"Your feelings serve you well, young one.", says Pax, "These droids are part of a marketing blitz by a small man who ignored us for 20 years and finally decided to release another movie from his famous franchise just to make more money. But take no heed to this, keep your mind on here and now, focus on the present."

The two follow the droid to a small meeting room, with a large window. In walks a silver protocol droid. "Welcome, I am C3PO-ripoff-16, protocol droid and servant of the Trade Federation.", it says, "Please, make yourselves comfortable, my master will be with you shortly."

"Hey wasn't there a battle droid in here a minute ago?", RBF asks Pax.

"Another plothole, you will get used to these, trust me.", Pax replies.

In walks the protocol droid again. "My master phears you two too much to speak with you directly, so please wait here while the room fills with poison gas and you suffocate. Have a nice day.", it says, leaving.

"Well, there's an easy way out of this.. Open the door.", says RBF.

The door slides open, and the cloud of gas dissipates into the hallway. "BLAST THEM!", a droid commands, and blaster fire erupts into the cloud.

Out of nowhere waddles a small black box with 2 stubby legs. He sees the two known as RBF and Pax in this perilous predicament, and decides to help them. The small droid waddles up behind one of the battle droids, pulls out his small electro-shocker thingy, and fries the thing into a pile of burnt scrap. "GONK GONK GONK!", it cries, apparently in joy.

"Thanks, I think..", says Pax, drawing his saber and slicing a battle droid in half.

"Aren't computer generated graphics wonderful?", says RBF, slicing a battle droid in two.

Staying true to form, the battle droids are dispatched, and our heros unscathed. "Now, what's your name little guy?", asks Pax.

"GONK GONK GONK!", is the droid's only reply.

"Gonk huh?", says RBF, "GNK-483 to be exact. Hmm.. ok Gonk, we could use a walking battery on the Storm Runner, follow us."

So set off the three... (Aren't you glad I didn't end this with: "Just then.."?)

posted 06-15-99 11:43 PM ET (US)            

Pax looked around. "Uhh, over where?"

"Up here"

Pax and RBF looked up. Gonk tried to, but couldn't. Just then a rope dropped down from a previously hidden ventilation shaft.

"Quickly! We havn't much time!" said the voice.

A noise that sounded like something rolling quickly aproached their location.

"Master, destroyers!" Yelled RBF, ignighting his saber. Pax, who was climbing the rope, dropped down and similarily lit his lightsword.

The Destroyers rolled quickly towards them, then stopped, and somehow uncurled into a sleek and deadly droid. Without warning they started firing superheated laser blasts at the two Jedi (Who somehow managed to deflect them back.)

"Let me handle them." Said the voice.

A sleek form dropped down from the vent. shaft and slid into a crouch on the floor. Two hands came up, carrying rather large and dangerous looking guns.

Three seconds later it was over; the previously dangerous destroyer droids were scattered across the floor.

"I'm Itysxm. I'm an agent for the Corellian Security Force (CorSec for short.) The Diktat of Corellia pheared (heh) that if the Trade Federation was not stopped here, the same thing that is happening to Drazen might happen to us. I've been sent to scout out this battleship and find a weakness." He paused for a breath, and shot another battle droid running towards them. "I saw you three and decided that two Jedi might be able to help me. But it seems it might be better for me to help you."

Two more destroyers rolled into view, and were quickly dis-esembled by Itysxm's blasters.

"It's too dangerous to talk here, into the ventalation shafts, we've talk about this later." said Itysxm.

"No arguement there," said Pax. He motioned to Arby and they reached out with the Force to push Gonk into the Vent shafts, but as they did, they sensed something nearby.

"Master, there is something else nearby, and it's not a battle droid or a destroyer." Said Arby.

"I sense it as well, young padawan, be careful." Warned Pax.

posted 06-16-99 12:00 AM ET (US)            

"Are those battle droids still out there?" The man took off his hood revealing Qua-Zzit.

"Yes, they are just standing there, kind of just looking at our ship." The co-pilot said.

"How many?" Qua-Zzit asked the pilot.

"Maybe ten or more." The pilot said.

"Stay here and guard the ship." Qua-Zzit walked down the ramp of the SR-1.

"Identify yourself." The leader of the Battle Droids told Qua-Zzit.

"Qua-Zzit Linn, here to take this saber and put my saber up your ass."

"That does not . . . compute . . . your under arres-"

Qua-Zzit ignited his lightsaber slashing off the head of all the battle droids around him, hacking away at the arms and the legs.

"Well that was easy enough."

Qua-Zzit stared at a turret above him, "Look out!"

The Turret blasts the cockpit of the ship, somehow blowing up the rest of it, sending Qua-Zzit flying back.

"Qua-Zzit! What happened!?" Pax yelled running towards him, behind him, Arby, Itysxm and Gonk.

"Who are these two?" Qua-Zzit asked.

"Oh, these two? We found them, or they found us, anyways, we've got to find another way out of here and warn Drazen of this attack." Arby told Qua-Zzit.

posted 06-16-99 12:07 AM ET (US)            

"GON-" the droid started, but Pax covered his speaker with his hand.

"Quiet, do you want to get us all killed?" Pax whispered.

Arby leaned closer to the grill and listened to the conversation.
"-I was told that you were a student at the Marody Insitute, and that you.."

"Yeah, well I'm learning how to pilot, too, but that doesn't mean that I like it." the first voice replied.
Arby pushed open the grate slightly only in time to see the alien boss pull a blaster.

"Well, then, if you will not cooperate, I'm afraid that I will have to terminate your employment prematurely."

The human stared down at the blaster now pointed at his chest. "Uh..."
Arby dove out of the ventilation shaft, somersaulted in the air, and landed on the ground with his saber lit. The alien quickly shifted his aim and fired two shots.

The first blast missed it's target, but started a small fire in a nearby computer console. The second shot ricoched off of Arby's lightsword and landed in the alien's chest.

"Thanks for the save" the human said, turning to face Arby. "I'm Jonathan Clark."

posted 06-16-99 12:19 AM ET (US)            

"Commander ZoSo," The gruff voice on the other side of the com squawked, "what have you found so far?"

"I'm not sure," ZoSo said back into the com, "these beings are very strange. They seem very resourceful and clever, but, are you sure they are destined to become the heros that the Seer prophicied?"

"We're sure, now just keep an eye on them, and try to avoid being seen."

posted 06-16-99 12:42 AM ET (US)            

"Master, it appears to be one of the Chancellor's guard," Arby said.

"So it does, my Padawan," Pax replied. "Let's see if we can revive him."

They walked over to the figure, and noted that, in addition to his armor being crimson, he now had a full faceplate. He began to stir.

"Gonk!" Gonk gonked.

"And how are you feeling?" Pax inquired of the guard.

"A bit woozy," the guard replied, "but I'm feeling better as the seconds pass."

"What's your story, bub?" the battle-hardened CorSec operative asked.

"I heard of your mission, and felt it to be of great importance. So I decided to leave my duties and go AWOL to stow aboard your ship. However, feeling that I could no longer where the armor in good conscience since I abandoned my duties, I refashioned it, making it crimson and putting the faceplate on to conceal my identity," the guard replied.

"And what shall we call you?" Qua-Zzit inquired.

"You may call me...Chokeoff. It's not my real name, of course, because I must protect my identity."

"Hey, isn't one of the Chancellor's guards named Cho'Koth?" Qua-Zzit queried.

"Be quiet!"

"Very well then. I think we should find a way off this ship," Pax said, changing the topic. "Shall we?"

The heroes moved along through the ship, and soon got utterly, hopelessly lost. Soon they came to a kitchen. There they found a young man with a bright future ahead of him, if he could only find.

"Welcome to my kitchen!" he boomed.

"Ummm...hi. What are you doing here? You're human, not a weird green guy," Arby pointed out.

"I'm a prisoner."

"Well, come escape with us!" Itysxm said. We need to get out of here too!"

"OK!"

"Gonk!" Gonk gonked.

"And you are...?" Pax asked of the stranger.

"I'm Speaker4theDead. For short, you can call me S4tD, I guess. Maybe someday I'll come up with a better nickname."

The heroes began to leave the kitchen, when S4tD suddenly remembered something very important.

"My weapon!" He ran back inside and came out with a...

"Spoon! A wooden spoon, to be precise! I know, it's not much, and it has no real powers, but, damn, I've made some mean soups with this thing! Someday I hope I can find a better utensil than this to wield."

--------

please note: a new agreed-upon rule is that you must be in the cantina and in the official NES queue in order to post from now on, to maintain a sense of order and continuity. anything deviating from this henceforth can and will be deleted. also to be deleted: anything that just sucks or screws everything up in a bad way.

posted 06-16-99 01:12 AM ET (US)            

"Halt!" the strange man yelled.

"How many times has that been used..." pondered Pax.

"Yeah and it never works either." Arby added.

"You will die before my Titelist driver!" the figure screamed, charging at the group, swinging the metal golf club.

Pax ignited his saber and cut the head off the driver. "That's really pathetic kid."

"Awww... I just wanna be a Jedi like you! Instead of a saber, I have to use this crappy golf club, which you were so nice to cut up." the man whined. "But now I can stab you with this sharp end of the metal shaft!" The man started to jab at Pax with the remains of his club.

Pax proceeded to cut the shaft in two, leaving the figure with only a rubber grip. "Phear my lightsaber, phool!"

"Hey phool, what's your name?" Arby asked.

"Threewood. I'm just a wussy Jedi Masterwannabe. But my golfclub can knock a battledroid's head over 275 yards! That is, if I still had my golf club. I guess I'll just have to use a threewood now. Those only go about 225 yards. Evil Jedi!" said Threewood.

"Gonk gonk gonk!" Gonk gonked.

"What the heck are you doing here?" Pax asked.

Threewood replied, "Well, I thought I could be cool and be a Jedi by blowing this place up. I already took out one ship that was in the hangar. Now I'm trying to...."

Gonk suddenly ran to Threewood and kicked him in the shin really hard. "GONK GONK GONK GONKGONKGONKGONK!"

"You blew up our ship you idiot!" Arby screamed as he ignited his saber.

"Whoahwhoahwhoah! Nice shootin Tex!" Pax yelled. "Put it down Arby. No, no, stop trying to swing at the golfer. No, Arby, put it down." Pax grabbed the saber handle. "Release, release. Comeon Arby, release."

Arby turned off his saber and dropped it to the ground.

"OK. Now. Wood, you trying to get off this thing?" Pax asked.

"If you're offering, sure. Just lemme go get my golf bag." Threewood replied, dashing into the wall and grabbing his bag.

posted 06-16-99 10:36 AM ET (US)            

Acinonyx leaned back in his chair in a small cafe, reading a newspaper. Sounds of construction could be heard in the distance. Checking his watch, he asked nothing in particular "How long does it take those two to make a simple supply run?"

Nothing answered back. Several minutes later, he decided to check up on the pair. "SR-1, this is Acin, come in..."
The only reply was static. "SR-1 are you there?"

posted 06-16-99 10:42 AM ET (US)            

"Hey, why is such a cool ship like this guarded by only one droid? And it isn't even a battle droid!" asked Arby

Suddenly, the insectoid eyes lit up in a purplish glow, and the entire black body of the droid also glowed purple.

"Ummm.....this could be a problem." said Pax.

The droid started to speak.

"I am 4-GOM. All the other droids call me MOG. You aren't supposed to be here. Prepare to get your asses kicked." said 4-GOM, his head slightly swaying. His right arm popped open, to reveal a rotating crossbow. It started firing.

"Wow, that droid has bad aim. He's not even hit one of us yet." said S4tD.

"Gonk, could you take care of this?" asked Pax, sighing

Gonk waddled over to the droid and stuck his interface socket into the droids left arm. It whirred around for a moment, and the droid fell down, deactivated.

"Well, that was easy." said Arby. The group(remember, they aren't -ites yet) boarded the ship, leaving the droid lying on the gangway.

After Arby, Pax and S4tD got to the bridge, they discovered with dismay that the ship wasn't powered up yet.

"It'll take at least an hour and a half." groaned S4tD.

"Well, in that case, we can explore the ship. There might be people inside. We'd better close the hatch so the battle droids don't come in here." said Pax. He pressed a button, closing and locking the hatch.

posted 06-16-99 03:43 PM ET (US)            

"Hey, guys," Dylan said into his comlink. "I'm back."

Several minutes passed. No reply. Dylan tried contacting them a few more times, with no response. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed the Stormrunner V leaving the planet.

"Hey," Dylan said, contacting the SR-5. "Where is everyone?"

"Uh, we've got a bit of a problem," Acin said. "Pax and Arby haven't returned from their supply run."

"How long has it been?" Dylan asked.

"Two days," Acin replied.

"Two days? The trip's barely a half a parsec," Dylan said, surprised.

"I know. That's what bothers me," Acin said.

"Pax and Arby know their way around the galaxy. I'm sure they're all right," Dylan said, trying to be positive. "But I'm coming with you," he added seriously.

posted 06-16-99 04:57 PM ET (US)            

A crashed space shuttle pilot awakes. He looks around, the landscape looks unfamilar to him. He looks for signs of civilization and see nothing, only the tangled wreck of his ship.

"Wow, i fell from outer space to the surface of this planet, thrown from the wreckage, and somehow survived! Damn, I'm good!"

On a ridge to his left he heres a giggle. The pilot looks up in that direction. He sees a blur of yellow zip across his field of vision.

"Ok Ent, no big deral, probably some kind of local wild life" The pilot says to himself in a calming tone.

Before he knew what happened he felt a blunt object hit the back of this head.

Finally ent regains conscincnous. He opens his eyes to find himself shakled at the hands and feet. Above him stood multicolored creatures with weird shapes sticking out of there head and sqauyres on their stomachs. The gigled and talked baby talk.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Teletubbies! You don't exist on Earth! That's where I was supposed to return to, Earth!" ent screamed

A purple teletubbie steps aside to let ent see beyond him. From where Ent sat he could see past the vile monsters and out a window. There on the horizon ent saw the statue of liberty.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ent screamed and broke down in tears

posted 06-16-99 05:17 PM ET (US)            

"Tinky Winky..." The caped man kicks the teletubby. "I am Sinclair, and we must go back to my cave."

Entropy and Sinclair walk towards the opposite horizon.

Sinclair looks at Ent and says, "You know there was once an Ent from Nantucket, Who played with himself in a bucket, He had some child porn but wanted oh so much more, to his little friends he said suck it."

Both men laugh.

*Two hours later and many sick and perverted jokes later*

Sinclair's cave is one of beauty with many multicolored stones on the wall. It's shagadellic. Sinclair flops down on a BIG bean bag chair and turns on an Earth classic, Austion Powers 2: The Spy who Shagged Me. Ent looks through Sinclair's collection of ancient Earth music.

The communication screen turns on a man in his 60s is on the screen.

"Sinclair, did you get the jackass who tried to ruin our park?" Sinclair got up and walked to the screen

"Yeah....stupid people always landing here thinking it's some ruined earth or something. This isn't Planet of the Apes or anything after all."

"Well," a long pause, "we are opening a new division on this planet...location Drazen Isle. The problem is that there is a blockade in effect so I want you and...that jackass, to go there, bust through the blockade and set up my damn park!"

The screen flickers out and both men walk through a door into a high tech hanger bay. Sinclair looks to Ent and Ent looks at Sinclair.

posted 06-16-99 09:53 PM ET (US)            

Pax tapped the wall and looked up. "Time?" He asked.

"GONK!" Gonked Gonk.

"1 hour, 12 minutes left..." said Itysxm, looking up.

"Arghhhh! There's nothing to do." Complained Arby.

"Stop your whining, young padawan." said Pax.

Banging was heard from down the hall. A mechanical voice started talking: "Open up in there. Open up in there."

"Suggestion," said Qua-Zzit, "Don't open the door."

Beeping was heard from down the hall (near the door, dontchaknow.) An explosion followed, and when the -ites looked up, there was no longer a door in the, ummm, doorway.

The Battle Droid commanded looked through the doorway and saw the -ites: "Blast the---mzmzzmzzzz."

Itysxm watched the remains of the battle droid's head fall to the floor. "C'mon! Let's get rid of the rest quickly!"

The Jedi went to work. Lightsabers flashed and slashed, and quickly dispatched the remaining droids.

"I suggest we find another ship to take. I don't think we'll be alone in here much longer." Said S4tD as alarms started blaring.

"Look over there! An invasion force!" Cried Arby.

"GONK!" Gonked Gonk.

"Everybody stow into seperate ships, we'll meet on the surface!" Yelled Itysxm, running towards one of the ships. He ducked onto the landing stuts and up into the ship.

Itysxm sighed, and looks at his surroundings.

"Ummmmm..." he said, looking at the crowd of -ite's surrounding him "Didn't I say different ships?"

Unfortionatly it was too late. The landing struts came up and the doors sealed shut.

With a lurch, the ship rose into the air and started out of the hanger.

"Here we go again..." sighed S4tD.

posted 06-16-99 10:10 PM ET (US)            

"I wanna' go again!", yelled S4tD.

"GONK!", gonked Gonk.

"Follow me, this is the part where we havta' run away from the troop transports along with all the cool CG animals and stuff.", said Pax.

At that, everyone started running away from the troop transports, as they heedlessly mowed down tree after tree. "They keep doing that and their gonna' make plenty of environmentalists angry..", said Arby, running.

Sure enough, a group of protests carrying signs soon picketed the path of the troop transports. The transports stopped momentarily, and out popped a battle droid. "What is the problem here?", it whirred.

"We're like, umm.. guys.. who.. ummm.. don't like the man to destroy our natural resources.. yeah.. that's it.. we.. umm.. want you to like.. stop.. and stuff.. would that be ok?", one of the protestors said, very surferlike.

"Stop. Stop.. that does not compute. Continue forward!", yelled the battle droid.

The troop transports immediately began to move again, crushing the tree-hugging hippies. "That has got to hurt.", said Arby, "And now, back to running."

As they continued, Pax ran into a strange looking creature who had apparently been frozen by fear. "GET DOWN!", he yelled at the strange being.

"AHHH!", it screamed.

posted 06-16-99 10:56 PM ET (US)            

Once the transport finally passed, Pax could get a better look at the creature that was holding on to him. It resembled that of a monkey, except one of its eyes was about the size of a tennis ball. Larger, even.

"GET OFF OF ME!" Pax screamed as he pried the short animal off his leg. After a wave of his hand, the creature flew through the air and banged his head on a tree. His gigantic eye pulsated.

Running to Pax, he shouted, "I love you! Love you! You SAVED me!!" The beast was about to hug Pax when the Jedi Master ignited his lightsaber. The creature screamed and dropped to the ground as blaster fire from a nearby STAP whizzed by. Pax deflected several shots coming towards him. Itysxm fired his blaster at the soaring craft, producing a very cool explosion with lots of parts flying everywhere.

The creature pulled himself up and looked at the others with disbelief. "Who ARE you people?!"

Arby gave the animal a disgusted look. "Please, we don't have time for this. This place is in danger."

"I can help!" was the creature's reply. "My name is Furgh. I live in this forest. What were all those machines doing around here? The environmentalists usually keep those kind of things out."

"Move along, furry one. We need to get to Drazen Island immediately," Pax said urgently.

"Drazen? Drazen! I can take you there!" Furgh exclaimed with excitement.

"Can you," Pax asked.

"Of course! Well, no. Maybe, um, no," Furgh replied confusedly. "You see, well, ah, this is kinda embarrassing, but I'm not really allowed to go there."

"Excuse me?"

"I've been sort of banished. They don't like me very much."

"Look," Itysxm said, "if you don't take us there now, we're going to leave you. Alone. With these battle droids and large transports. They'll grind you to bits."

"Oh dear!" Furgh looked around nervously. "Okay, I'll take you. But it's your fault if they beat me!"

"Very good," Pax said, pleased. "How far is Drazen?"

"Not too far," was Furgh's reply, "only about four-hundred miles." Gonk gonked angrily.

"That's too far," Arby said exhaustedly. "We need some sort of vehicle!"

The group noticed another troop transport that was slowly making its way across the forest. "You know," Arby said, "there may be some spare STAPs in that thing..."

"Good thinking, young Padawan," Pax complemented his apprentice. "But I think we have another problem." Pax pointed to the quickly spreading forest fire caused by the STAP's explosion.

Gonk gonked nervously.

posted 06-16-99 11:25 PM ET (US)            

"Let the enviromental people take care of it, it's not our problem." Qua-Zzit said walking towards the Troop Transport.

"Actually, it is our problem, if it reaches Drazen Isle then it is done for." Pax said.

"So?" Qua-Zzit said. "Look, there are those enviromental people now." Everyone watched the enviromental people start throwing buckets of water onto the fire. "They look like they've got it covered." A lone enviromental person catches on fire and starts to run around.

"Yeah . . . right." Arby says. Arby leans closer to his master, "Master, why is Qua-Zzit on the council and you aren't?"

"A little stut like you shouldn't open your mouth to your master."

Itysxm walked towards the tank, everyone else followed him.

"Identify yourselves!" The Troop Transport's intercomm rung through the air.

"Your commander, Darth Vader!" Threewood said outloud at the Troop Transport.

"That does . . . not . . . compute . . . your underarrest!"

Pax and Arby jump up on the Troop Transport, followed by everyone else. "Slash the hatch open." Itysxm told Pax.

Pax nodded and slashed the hatch wide open. Threewood jumped down, waved his golfclub in the air at the battledroids.

"Identify yourse-" The battledroid started, but didn't finish his sentance, and had his head whacked off by Threewood's errrr, threewood.

Pax and Arby jump down, swining their lightsabers at the battledroid's heads.

Gonk jumps down, making a loud clank, landing on a battle droid. "Gonk! Gonk!"

Qua-Zzit jumps down, patting Gonk, "Good work." Qua-Zzit looked around, looking for some action, he saw a chihuahua standing in the corner, the chihuahua looked up at him, "Look what I found!"

Qua-Zzit gasps at the dog, "A talking dog can't be good!" Qua-Zzit kicks the dog, sending it flying back in the storage room with the rest of the battle droid scraps.

Threewood sat down at the controls, "I'll fly the ship, Gonk, Qua-Zzit and Itysxm stay here, the rest of you take the STAPs."

Qua-Zzit stares at Pax, "You lead everyone to Drazen."

Itysxm and Qua-Zzit sat down next to Threewood. "Gonk, you stand, there are only three seets, and you have to ride with us since you can't ride the STAPs."

"GONK!"

"Is everyone ready?" Itysxm asks on the intercomm outside.

"Were ready." Pax yells back at the Tank.

Threewood started the engines, watching the STAPs speed off into the distance, "This is going too slow."

"No, really?" Qua-Zzit asked sarcastically.

"Yes, really." Threewood replied.

Qua-Zzit stares at the controls, "Battledroids are so damn stupid." Qua-Zzit turned the engines too full power, making the tank blast off, knocking trees out of the way of the Troop Transport.

"We'll be there in no time." Itysxm yelled outloud.

"GONK!" Gonk gonked.

* * *

"We left behind Threewood and the others!" Pax yells to the others.

A Troop Transport blasts by.

posted 06-17-99 12:12 AM ET (US)            

Pax addressed the various assembled protagonists. "Myself and Arby will search out the Mayor of Drazen to report to him the problems facing this tiny isle. The rest of you are free to do as you wish for the time being. When we ring the bell, meet us there."

"I will accompany you, as well, Pax," Qua said. "Considering everybody knows better than to trust a Jedi Master who's not on the Council."

"Fine," Pax replied, followed by some mumbling under his breath. "And the rest of you?" he looked around. they were already gone.
----
The three Jedi arrived at the office of the Mayor. They asked the secretary to see the Mayor, one Jeff Walters, immediately.

"I'm sorry," she replied," but Mr. Walters is in a very important meeting and asked to not be disturbed. he plans for the meeting to go well past business hours."

Suddenly, they heard a cry from behind Walter's door. "Oh, Jan!"

The Jedi shrugged and left, knowing that they wouldn't be seeing Jeff any time soon.
----
As night fell over Drazen, the newcomers were all engaged in various activities...

In the Drugon's Bite, a chef flew out the door. Behind him, S4tD was yelling. "you call this a kitchen?!?!? Why, you don't even have a wooden spoon! What good are you?" He looked around. On the counter, he saw a new, fascinating utensil. "What's this...? Why, it's a wooden fork! I know just what to do with this..."
----
In the bar, Itys was getting drunk, as Corellians are prone to do. Nearby was Gonk, peacefully recharging.

"Gonk!" Gonk gonked.

"oh, be quiet!" the drunken Corellian slurred at him.
----
Threewood was walking in a daze about Drazen, wondering how come such a bautiful island could NOT have a golf course.
----
Jon was running around Drazen, trying to get away from Furgh, the freaky monkey.

"I love you!" Furgh yelled.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" Jon screamed.
----
Chokeoff, after wandering the city, got a bit hungry, and entered the Drugon's Bite.

"Come in!" S4tD boomed.

"Check this out! With this, I have become a more powerful chef than you can possibly imagine!" S4tD beamed.

"Impressive," Chokeoff replied, evaluating S4tD's handiwork. He lifter his faceplate and took a bite of the meal sitting closest to him. "VERY impressive.

The bell rang.

All of the protagonists met at the bell.

"What's that?" Pax asked of S4tD.

"It's my newest creation...a double-utensil staff! by taking a handy broomhandle, and duct taping the wooden spoon and my new wooden fork to the ends, I have created what must surely be the most powerful utensil in the universe!"

"And it makes for some good food, too!" Chokeoff excalaimed.

"So, Pax, what's up?"

"Well, the Mayor is...indisposed. But, also of importance, Acinonyx and Dylan are now missing!"

"Gasp!" the heroes gasped in unison for dramatic effect.

posted 06-17-99 12:43 AM ET (US)            

Qua-Zzit crossed his arms. "Well, where were they last time you saw them?"

Scratching his head, Arby said, "I think it was in the bar the night we left for the supply run. That was three nights ago."

"And did you check there?"

"They're not on the planet," Pax insisted. The Storm Runner-5 is missing, and Acinonyx was the only one with the codes for it on the planet."

"Gonk gonk gonk gonk," Gonk gonked.

"The droid could be right," Itysxm added. "They could've run at the first site of that blockade."

"No," Pax shook his head. "You don't understand. Acinonyx is the kind of guy who only reads the paper for the comic section. He probably didn't even NOTICE the blockade."

"Either way, it probably doesn't matter," Arby interjected. "AC and Dylan are big boys, and they can take care of themselves. Plus there's a battalion of battle droids standing over there."

"Hands up, Roger," A yellow-striped battle droid command.

Calmly, Pax walked and the group walked up to the group. "State your business," Pax said to the droid.

"You're under arrest."

Pax cocked his head at the droid. "Arrest? Aaa-rest? Does not compute... Wait... DIE!" Suddenly whipping out his lightsaber, Pax sliced the droid in half, as the rest of the group fell in to assault the droids.

Arby jumped up, kicking two droids, but getting his feet stuck under their rib-boxes in the process. He looked at the two twitching droids attached to his feet for a moment, then started spin kicking, smacking nearby combatants with the flailing droids.

Meanwhile, Itysxm was busily blowing up tanks, while Threewood stood atop Gonk, wacking off droid heads as the power droid ambled through the melee. Cho and Speak, both weilding their twin bladed weapons, stood back to back, dispatching battle droids from every angel. Finally, Qua-Zzit held Furgh by the ankles as he repeatedly clubbed the droids with the Furghling.

It was a short fight, soon the whole mob of Battle droids had been disassembled, and the group of mismatched warriors stood triumphant.

"Yeah!" Threewood whooped. "We kick ass!"

"I gotsa me a headache," Furgh managed dizzily.

"No partying yet," Arby interrupted.

"Huh? Why not?" Speak replied.

posted 06-17-99 12:57 AM ET (US)            

Pax and Arby both lit their lightsabers at the same time, blocking most of the shots being fired at them from the four destroyers. "A little help here from the "Jedi" Council member!"

Qua-Zzit, stared down at Furgh, "Oh no! Not messiah!" Furgh ran away. Qua-Zzit sighs and ignites his lightsaber and helps the two other Jedis.

"Three more destroyers!" Threewood yelled, the three destroyers started blasting away at Threewood. Threewood took out his threewood, and started to block the laser blasts, eventually melted the golf club.

"Gonk!" Gonk gonked, and walked to the Troop Transport they took the other day.

posted 06-17-99 01:16 AM ET (US)            

Fourwood reached into his golfbag and pulled out 3 balls, dropping them to the ground in front of him.

"Let's see your wussy little shields stop this!" Threewood steps up to the first ball, swings his fivewood, and a loud metal KWANG! was heard as the ball zingged off.

The golf ball zoomed straight thru the Destroyer's shield and blew a hole in it. The Destroyer curled up back into its wheel shape and fell over to the ground, dead.

Threewood then stepped up to the next ball, sending it at the second Destroyer droid, killing it. He then proceeded to do the same to the third Destroyer.

"Yeah. I'm good. All you stupid droids are no match for me. Take that ya little wussies. Stupid Trade whatever freaks. They don't know who they're messin...."

"WOOD! Mourn over your kills later! Right now, get over here and help us!" S4tD yelled as he stabbed a destroyer with his fork, then scooping out some wires with his spoon end.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Forgot. Sorry. Periods. Woo. Sorry." Threewood replied.

Threewood dropped four more golfballs, launching each of them at a Destroyer, each one killing its intended target.

"Oh yeah. You guys know you need to thank me. Oh, 'Thanks Threewood.', 'Yeah, thank you very much Three.'" Threewood said.

"GONK GONK GONK! GONK GONKGONK!" Gonk gonked.

"Yeah, what Gonk said. Screw you." Arby said.

"Yeah that's great guys, but right now, I suggest we get moving." Pax stated.

"Why's that?" Chokeoff asked.

posted 06-17-99 01:31 AM ET (US)            

"What the hell is that?" RBF yelled.

"I don't know," Pax said, "but let's say we get away from it!"

"GONK!"

The group ran, but some how the eel thing crawled onto the land and followed them. They rushed into the Drazen Cafe, but were cornered.

"Ack!" RBF screamed, "We're all going to be eel food!"

"Relax, young Padawan, just remember to--"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!" RBF yelled.

"Sorry," Pax said.

Just then, all of the sudden, the monster spoke.

"Um," the monster said, "I need about Tree-fity."

"WHAT?" The entire group said at once.

"I say I need tree-fity."

"I think he wants $3.50" S4tD said.

"Um, okay," Pax said, "Well, I got $2.25..."

"I got a quarter," RBF said, "will two fifty do?"

"Hmmm...." The monster said, "Two Fity!"

And with that, the monster took the money, and went back to the sea.

Meanwhile, on the roof....

ZoSo sat on the roof of the Drazen Cafe, listening in on the group. All of the sudden, there was a voice behind him.

"Heyyyy!"

ZoSo swung around, and saw an unshaven street person (or in this case, roof person) standing next to him. He smelled of whiskey and urine.

"Um, hey." ZoSo said.

Suddenly, the man yelled out "JAR JAR GOOD!!"

"What?" ZoSo asked in shock.

"JAR JAR GOOD! JAR JAR BURN HEAD IN ENGINE!"

"'scuse me?" ZoSo said, more puzzled than before.

"JAR JAR GOOD! JAR JAR GOOD! JAR JAR GOOD!" the man yelled, running towards ZoSo. In a panic, ZoSo ran and hit a weak spot in the roof.

Meanwhile inside....

"Well that was close..." Pax said, "Now what were we doing before--"

All of the sudden, a white haired man in black armor fell through the roof and landed next to them. Shouts of 'Jar Jar good!' were heard on the roof.

posted 06-17-99 02:12 AM ET (US)            

"Yeah, well, anyhoo, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!", screamed Arby, igniting his saber.

"Well.. umm.. my name is ZoSo I ha-"

"ZoSo as in Led Zepplin? DUDE THEY KICK ASS!", interrupted a misc. person.

"Ummm... yeah I guess..", replied ZoSo.

"So.. ZoSo.. why did you just bust through our roof? Besides creating an entrance, I mean.", asked Pax.

"I can't tell you that right now."

"Ohhh.. another of those secretive types huh? That's cool.", said Itysxm.

"Hey guys..", Arby said out of nowhere.

"Yeah?", was the general reply.

"Looks like this part of the story has gotten too boring."

"How can you tell?", asked Pax.

"Well, judging by the number of battle droids in the street, and those 3 tanks... I'd say someone got bored."

"Oh.. well then.. we'll havta' kick some droid ass. You in ZoSo?", said S4tD.

"I guess.", ZoSo replied.

The group marched out into the street, and were immediately fired upon by the 3 tanks. "Well, they brought in the heavy firepower, how nice.", said threewood.

"Gonk! Get out of the middle of the road!", yelled Arby, watching the hapless power droid waddle along trying to reach the rest of the group.

"GONK! GONK GONK GONK GONK!", gonked the power droid.

A blast erupts next to the droid, almost knocking it over. "GONK!!!! GONK GONK GONK!!!!!!!!!!", gonked the droid angrily.

Turning to the closing group of droids, Gonk stared at them for a while. "What the hell is that droid doing?!?!?!", screamed ZoSo.

Out of nowhere a hidden hatch on top of Gonk opened, and out popped a rather nasty looking gun. "What the hell...?", said Pax.

Gonk aimed, readied his power cells, and all of a sudden there was a bright flash. When the light dimmed, there was a nice row of battle droids with their torsos completely blown off, and a tank behind them with a hole in it. "Wow.. that was pretty cool.", said Chokeoff.

"I think we can handle the rest of these scrap heaps!", cried Pax, igniting his saber and rushing the battle droids.

"YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAWWW!", screamed Arby, slicing through several droids.

Itysxm drew his blasters and opened fire on the remaining tanks. S4tD jumped onto one of the tanks, and pried it open with his magnificent new utensil. Chokeoff sliced and diced plenty of droids. "And I even make julian fries!", he exclaimed.

"Ah geez! Not more destroyers!", cried Arby, noticing 5 incoming destroyer droids.

They, of course, opened fire on our heroes. "We'll never make it against all these droids!", cried Pax, "Gonk, do you have enough charge to fire that gun of yours again?"

"Goonk...", gonked the droid, exhausted.

"Damn, we're in deep sh*t now.", said Arby.

Then, in classic NeS style, a strange man using what appeared to be a napkin holder as a weapon, charged the destroyer droids, and took out all but one. "Whoah.. that was nuts.", said Chokeoff.

"Who IS that?", asked S4tD, beating some battle droids he had just pried from a tank.

posted 06-17-99 11:25 AM ET (US)            

Suddenly, 4-GOM stood up, yelled "Duck." and deployed his right arm crossbow and shooting 5 destroyed droids that were rolling towards the group.

"Hey, aren't you the droid who couldn't aim right and wanted to kill us all? Aren't you supposed to be back at the ship? And why did you help us?" asked ChokeOff

"Boy, that made a lot of sense." whispered Arby to Threewood

"Yeah, well, I got shot at. It hit my skull, basically causing a memory wipe. So I don't remember anything before the shots. The only reason I helped you is that I'm sort of trigger happy. In fact, why don't I just kill you all right now?" said 4-GOM, raising his crossbow.

"Gonk, can you handle this?" asked Pax.

"GONK GONK GONK." said Gonk

"He says that after what happened last time, he isn't sure what will happen." translated Chokeoff

"Try another memory wipe, and quickly, he's got us in his sights." said Arby

Gonk waddled over, and revealed an interface cable out of the middle of his...um, body. He kicked 4-GOM over and stuck the cable in the droid's skull. 4-GOM turned off and turned on. After 20 seconds, Gonk removed the cable.

"GONK GONK GONK GONK." said Gonk

"He says that 4-GOM is ready for programming. Simply state what you want the droid's function to be." translated Chokeoff

"4-GOM, you will serve Pax, RBF, S4tD and Acinonyx." said Pax, in a deep voice.

"You will perform translating, scanning, and defensive duties." stated Arby.

"You will also have a dry wit and insult those whom you dislike constantly." finished S4tD.

4-GOM switched off, and switched on again. He got up and deployed an antenna from the top of his head.

"A platoon of battle droids are located half a kilometer away. They've entered Mayor Walters' office and escorted him away." said 4-GOM.

posted 06-17-99 11:53 AM ET (US)            

"Well, we could forget about him and take off for Acin and Dylan, but I think rescuing Walters is more important," Pax said.

The group of Battle droids were escorting Walters to the hanger bay, but the Jedi and the other people and droids they picked up along the way were waiting. Just as the hatch on the sleek T-21 came down, the plan was sprung. Pax and Arby slashed down several Battle Droids while Gonk and threewood went aboard the ship to go hotwire it.

"GONK?" Gonk gonked.

"Hmmmmm....I could try to cut the 4 wires at once, but let's go with the green wire." threewood noted.

As Gonk was waiting to switch on the ships lifts, Everyone clambered aboard and Pax yelled "Get us outta here!"

Arby jumped into the pilot's chair while ZoSo got into the co-pilot's chair. Arby swiftly moved the ship out the hanger bay doors, and lifted into the stary night, with the "kidnapped" Walters aboard.

"Now to set our course" ZoSo said.

"Well, we could go to Coursocant to complain to ET, but.....INCOMING!" Arby yelled out.

A huge cruiser was in the way of the craft, and a collision was immeniant but ZoSo got control of the stick and moved the T-21 out of the way.

Pax walked in and screamed "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?"

"We almost crashed into the cruiser, but as I pulled out, we took heavy damage to almost every componant, even the electronic games in back.." ZoSo said

He was inturupted by a loud GOOOOONNNNKK! in the back of the ship.

"Anyway, we can't make it to Coursocant in time for the Olyimpics, so what course should we set?" ZoSo added

posted 06-17-99 01:20 PM ET (US)            

S4tD smacked Threewood with his DUS. "Shutup, Three. I think we have more important things to worry about."

Just then, the ship died and floated back to the ground.

"Yeah, like that." Zoso said.

A little over a dozen battle droids surrounded the ship.

"Hm..." Threewood said as he tapped at one of the gauges on the dashboard. "Looks like our batteries died. Anyone have 18 AA batteries?"

"Hey I got an idea." Arby said. "Gonk's a power droid. Plug him into the thing."

"That's so crazy it just might work." Pax said, dragging the powerdroid to the front.

"GONK! GONK! GONKGONK!! GGOOOOOOONK!" Gonk gonked.

"Well that's too damn bad for you Gonk. You're getting plugged in whether you want to or not!" Zoso said.

"No. He said that he only can power up to 17 AA batteries." Pax translated.

"Um... hold on a sec." Threewood said as he dashed into the back of the ship.

"What's he up to now." Chokeoff wondered.

After about five minutes, Threewood came running back to the cockpit. "Got it!"

"Got what?" S4tD asked.

Threewood held up an Engergizer AA battery. "I've got a AA battery! Now we have power for 18!"

"GONK GONK! GONK GONK!" Gonk gonked.

"Ok Gonk, I'm sure your power didn't drop down to 16 AAs. Plug him in!" Arby said.

Threewood took out the 18 used AA batteries and put the one good one in. "Ok Gonk, right there." he said, pointing to a hole on the dashboard.

"Gonk..." Gonk gonked as he plugged his little power transferer thingymabob that he has into the hole.

"How long til we have power?" Pax asked.

"Oh, just about 20 minutes" Threewood answered.

posted 06-17-99 04:09 PM ET (US)            

"Confound it!" Chokeoff said. "We have, what, two Jedi Masters here, a Padawan, and the guy we were protecting just vanishes?"

"Don't forget the guy who's gone AWOL from his duties of protecting the Supreme Chancellor," S4tD noted.

"Right. I'll shut up now," Chokeoff said, as he went off to sulk in the corner.

"Ummm...should we be doing something? There's a whole bunch of droids out there, and they want to kill us, remember?" Threewood reminded everybody.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it!" Furgh shouted as he bounded towards the door.

"Furgh, no!" everybody screamed in unison. Too late, of course, as Furgh opened the door.

"Who are you?" Furgh asked the droid at the door.

"You're under arrest!"

posted 06-17-99 07:01 PM ET (US)            

"Boy it's cramped in here." muttered S4tD

"Those battle droids will be in here any second! Then we'll be doomed! DOOMED!" screamed Chokeoff

"You make too much sense." said Pax "Could we lure the battle droids away?"

"Yes, maybe into an escape pod. I'm only detecting 15 of them, they could easily fit in one of the escape pods of this ship. But we'd need some bait." said 4-GOM, staring at the ship's console.

"Hey, where's Mayor Walters?" asked Arby.

** ** **

Mayor Walters was lying unconsciousness next to a power outlet with several empty bottles of Forex next to him.(An Australian Beer, I'm not sure if it's spelled right). He was about 20 feet from the bridge hatch.

Suddenly, the power outlet shot an electrical blast at the Mayor. He woke up, startled.

"Huhhhhhh.....wherrrre ammm I?" said the Mayor, slurring and swaying a bit. "Maybbbe I'lll gooo assskk that mettalll mannnnn."

The Mayor walked over to the battle droid. Tapping him on the shoulder, he asked "Wherrre ammmm I?"

"Roger that. Look, it's the Mayor! Arrest him!" yelled the droid.

The Mayor ran down the corridor posthaste.

** ** **

"Found him. I'm erecting forcefields to manuever him to the escape pods." said 4-GOM, typing furiously.

"Hey! We're lifting off!" said S4tD

The ship was indeed lifting off from Drazen's surface(remember, it fell down). It was quickly climbing through the atmosphere.

Meanwhile, Mayor Walters was running away from the battle droids, though he was only about 6 meters ahead of them. They were not shooting at him, preferring to take him alive. Suddenly, the Mayor ran into a forcefield at a three-way junction(think the pink fields from the Jinn/Maul/Kenobi duel). He quickly ran in the other direction.

Soon Mayor Walters found himself in front of 3 escape pods. He dove into one just as the battle droids reached him. All 15 ran into another escape pod.

By this time, the ship had entered orbit and was trying to maneuver through the blockade. As the Mayor's escape pod circled through space, the Battle Droids' managed to hit the Mayor's.

"I've got two escape pods....getting a tractor beam lock...got it! Maneuvering the pod towards the launch bay." said 4-GOM

"Make it quick, that blockade has teeth!" said Pax.

"Wait, I've got an idea." said Arby. "Move over." he said to 4-GOM

As soon as the Mayor's pod was inside the cramped launch bay, Pax sent S4tD and 4-GOM to escort him to the bridge. Meanwhile, Arby was typing furiously at the tractor beam's controls.

"Better make it quick, our power's about to go down!" said Pax.

"Just one more calculation...got it!" yelled Arby, triumphantly.

The Battle Droid's escape pod suddenly moved in an entirely different direction - straight for the attacking ship. As it hit the bridge, the entire ship lost orbit control, and began to spiral towards the planet. The ship raced away.

"Ready for lightspeed?" asked Pax

"Yeah, but we can't go far. That little tractor beam stunt messed up part of the hyperdrive." replied Arby.

"Well, set course for the closest safe planet." said Pax.

"Yeah...that would be....Crapooine. And look, it's probably were Acinonyx and Dylan went." said Arby

"Yeah...doesn't he have family there? Probably went there to go hide from the blockade. Well, set course for Crapooine." said Pax.

The ship shuddered with false motion, and the stars elongated into blue streaks as the ship entered hyperspace.

posted 06-17-99 07:19 PM ET (US)            

"Preparing to exit hyperspace," Arby said.

"It's going to be a bumpy ride in, better get fastened in," Pax added.

As the ship exited hyperspace, Arby set it down on the dusty planet of Crapooine.

"ZoSo, threewood, escort Mayor Walters to his new quarters, I want him guarded all day and all night," Pax said. "Gonk, Arby, and Furgh, come with me and we'll see what we can do about getting this ship all back up to speed."

As they approached the small city of Cras Upta, they saw the local shop for ship buliding. They entered the building to see a small person manning the shop.

posted 06-17-99 07:42 PM ET (US)            

"10 plasma injectors, 3 hyperdrive by-loopers, 7 heavy blaster cannon power supplies, a box of cheesies, 17 light bulbs, 67 new flashing buttons, 2 large pieces of transparasteel, 18 chairs, 13 power core stabilizers, 10 yellow coil inverters, 9 pong consoles, 20 replacement game boards (with independant power supplies) and a bottle of rum."

"Cash or Credit?" Asked the Little Goalie.

"Cash. Repulic Credits will do, too." Said Pax, waving his hand.

"Or course they will you idiot. What, are you a Jedi or something?" Said Little Goalie. He pulled out a huge calculator. "That'll be 170000 credits."

"Hmmm, I only have 90000." Said Arby.

"I've got 70000," Ventured Pax.

"Messa gots 10," Said Furgh.

"We'll give you gonk." Said Pax.

"GONK?!" gonked gonk. Pax nodded.

"Here you are," said Arby, taking Pax's credits and shoving the huge pile on the counter. Using the force, Pax lifted Gonk into the air and dropped him on the top of the pile.

"GONK!" gonked Gonk.

Taking control of a rather large crane Little Goalie quickly filled their order and loaded it onto a huge repulser truck.

The Trio: Pax, Arby and Furgh, left the shop towing their order behind them back towards their ship.

posted 06-17-99 08:08 PM ET (US)            

"Look out!" Pax yelled, as a hatch opened. A a dark blur seemed to fly out of the ship and land on the ground, brandishing a glowing red lightsaber.

"What the hell are you?" Pax asked the strange creature.

"Your worst nightmare!" the being replied, swinging it's lightsaber over his head. "Aw, damnit, that's not it... let's see.". The creature reached off to the side, grabbed, a thick pile of papers, and paged through it. "Oh, yes, here we are: I'm Dark Maw! Bwahahahahahaha!"

posted 06-17-99 08:24 PM ET (US)            

---

Crouched at the back of the ship, Jonathan Clark sat fiddling with a small sabaac card-chip. Suddenly a cart full of Hyperdrive parts came rumbling down the hall towards him.

"Ahhhhhh...." *smack*

Jon pushed the cart away from him and sorted through the parts. "Hmmm... gotta fix the hyperdrive," He mumbled. He grabed an armload of parts and ran for the engine room.

---

Meanwhile in the bridge.

Itysxm held on to the controls and expertly guided the ship up into the air. He hovered it over to where Pax and Dark Maw were preforming wonderful flips and slashing at each others lightsabers.

Pax drew the force towards him and hurled himself up into the air and into the ramp just as it started closing.

Itysxm pulled back on the controls and thrust the thottle up to full.

The ship blasted forward.

"Hey! Why arn't we pulling up?" asked S4tD in panic. "Pull up you CorSec idiot!"

"I can't the controls are stuck... I can't thottle down!" said Itysxm calmly. "I'm gonna shut down the power and land us so we can figure out what's wrong."

"Well at least our Hyperdrive is fixed," Said Threewood, pointing to a bright light that was flashing on the board.

"Look OUT!" Screamed 4GOM, pointing out the front viewport. They were quickly approaching a pod racer track, just as the lightning fast pod racers were flashing past!

posted 06-17-99 09:04 PM ET (US)            

"No really. When did you figure that out smart guy?" S4tD said.

Threewood walked into the cockpit. "Hey guys, ever notice that a pod race track is..."

"YES WOOD WE NOTICED!" Everyone else yelled.

"Oh, ok.." Threewood said.

A group of the pods whizzed by just as the ship came onto the track, spinning it sideways and knocking the steering out of lock.

"We can steer! But, throttle is still jammed, and we cant' gain altitude." Pax said.

"I might have an idea." Threewood said.

"What?" Pax asked.

"Just move over and let me fly a sec." Threewood told him.

"What's your idea?" Pax demanded.

"Just let me fly!" Threewood said, shoving Pax from the pilot seat.

"That's better." Threewood said, sitting down and grabbing the controls.

"So, now can I as what your plan is?" Pax asked.

"Yeah, what the heck are you doing?" Chokeoff asked.

"I've seen this track before. It's the Doonda Peeve course. With this ships speed, and the jumps in this course, we should easily be able to get out of the atmostphere. I just gotta fly this thing around." Threewood explained.

"And.. you learned how to fly... where?" asked S4tD.

"Oh back home my dad had a flight sim on his old computer. I used it." Threewood answered.

"Um.... ok, I guess you can fly..." Pax said.

"But right now we're just going in circles. Get moving or that pod is gonna hit us!" Chokeoff said.

"Ack! Gotta straighten this out in time.." Threewood said.

It was too late. "GET OFF THE TRACK!" screamed a childish voice from outside the ship as the blue and white striped pod bounced off the top of the ship, sending the whole pod and engines into a cliff wall, exploding on contact.

"Ooops." S4td said. "Guess we should get out of here."

posted 06-17-99 11:53 PM ET (US)            

"Good job Threewood." Pax patted Threewood on the back, getting up and checking the hyperdrive room.

"So where are we headed to again?" Threewood asked, who got the ship ready for lightspeed.

"Coursant." Itysxm answered.

Arby goes to the hyperdrive room to follow his master.

* * *

"Qua-Zzit, that Dark Maw was a fierce fighter. How could of this have been unnoticed by the Jedi Council?" Pax asked Qua-Zzit, walking down to the Hyperdrive room to check on it.

"I have no idea, but it isn't exactly our job to foresee these things."

"What!? Yes it is! You guys are the JEDI council! Thats your job!" Pax yelled.

"Thats not what I read in the guildlines." Qua-Zzit said, looking back at Pax.

Pax frowned, staring at Qua-Zzit.

Qua-Zzit sighed, "Fine, fine. I'll talk to Master Yogi about this Dark Maw when we reach Corusant."

"Good." Pax said, who walked faster to the Hyperdrive room.

* * *

"Going into lightspeed." Threewood said. The ship blasts off into lightspeed, leaving behind Crapooine. "Itysxm, you take over."

posted 06-18-99 01:05 AM ET (US)            

"Dammit! Why didn't you people tell me before that you sold Gonk! Now we have to turn around! I'm not leaving that droid behind!"

He closed and barricaded the door so nobody could stop him. Then he turned off the hyperdrive, turned the ship around, and hypered back to Crapooine.
----
When they got to Crapooine, S4tD unbarricaded the door, and ran out towards where Gonk was being held. Everybody ran after him. Except for Jeff, who was sleeping.

"Say..." Pax said,"somebody should stay behind and watch the Mayor. Don't want him being assassinated."

A man walked up to them. "Hi, I'm Deus. I run Optimus Valet Ship Parking. You want your ship placed in a good, safe lot? You'll get twoed for double-parking here."

Pax smiled. "yeah. Tell you what. We'll pay triple if you stay in the ship and watch the guy sleeping inside."

"OK!" Deus ran into the ship. The heroes went after S4tD.
----
In the shop, S4tD was threatening Little Goalie. "Give me the droid or you will suffer!"

"Gonk!" Gonk gonked.

"Easy! Easy" Goalie replied. Surely we can work out a deal.

"Such as...?"

"Well, I know that you and your friends are cruising around the galaxy. I've always wanted to do that. I'll give you the droid if you let me come along."

"OK."
----
The heroes arrived at Goalie's shop just as Goalie was nailing a CLOSED sign to the door.

"Gonk gonk! Gonk!" Gonk gonked merrily.

"You got Gonk back, S4tD?" Chokeoff asked.

"Yeah. But in order to keep him, we have to take the little guy with the goalie mask on."

Pax replied, "That sounds more than fair."

The heroes began to walk back towards Optimus Valet.
----
Jeff was shaken awake.

"Huh...? Wha...? Jan...?" he mumbled in a sleepy manner.

He looked and saw Deus.

"Um, mister, we have a problem."

Then Jeff saw the tiny black bugs flying around everywhere.

"They came out of this bottle that I saw and opened..."

He handed it to Jeff. The bottle had a counter on it.

3

2

1

One of the bugs exploded. Then two nearby bugs exploded. The ones closest to those exploded next. Eventually, it caused a chain reaction that...
----
BOOM! Their ship exploded just as they reached the valet lot.

"Gasp!" the heroes again gasped in unison for dramatic effect (as if a ship exploding isn't dramatic enough).

posted 06-18-99 01:41 AM ET (US)            

"It'll be all right master," Arby comforted his mentor. "We can get another ship."

"But with the exploding and the fire and the booming loudness..."

"Wait," Void said. "Didn't we just spend all of your combined credits fixing that farking ship?"

Furgh nodded. "Cost me alla my 10 creds!"

The others stared at Void for a moment. "Did you have a point there?" Itysxm finally asked.

ZoSo rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Should I draw a picture? Do a puppet show? Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Just spit it out," Chokeoff interrupted.

"Ok, fine." The Voidling counted it off on his fingers. "One, our ship just blew up. Two, we have no money. Seeing a problem here?"

The others continued staring at him. "Urm, no, still... no, not seeing a connection..."

ZoSo was just about to launch into his threatened puppet show when S4tD intervened. "Hey, don't worry about it. Notice we're in a valet ship parking lot who's owner just got vaporized. Problem solved."

ZoSo blinked. "Well, yeah, you do have a point there..."

The others nodded and mumbled to themselves.

"But wait," Furgh spoke up. "Wouldn't that be stealing?"

"Furgh, Furgh, Furgh," S4tD said, putting his hand on the young one's shoulder. "Just keep in mind that we need it for important business for... someone. I'm sure we'll come back and repay them... or something..."

"Oh, right."

Turning, the group inspected the array of ship parked in the valet lot. "Let's see, we have a battered old Freighter, a Firespray patrol ship that will someday be owned by someone famous I'm sure, a giant Wasp ship, and what looks like a flying winnebago. What looks good?"

"Firespray," Void yelled.

"Good Corellian Freighter never steer you wrong," Itysxm suggested.

"Oooh, wasp!" Furgh moaned with delight.

Everyone took a step away from Furgh.

"Wait, what about that one?" Pax said, pointing towards a shiny gray, longish ship sitting in the corner of the lot.

Chokeoff checked the registration. "It's the Ith-say Filtrator-inay, owned by Bob Maw."

"Oooh," Little Goalie said. "Shiny."

posted 06-18-99 04:07 PM ET (US)            

"Huh?" the Medic said in surprise.

"I don't want to call you the medic. In fact, I don't want you with us. You're psycho, and obviously have evil powers, because you made us all into rampagin lunatics. I would rather call you 'psycho guy.' Or 'Bob'. But I don't want to call you anything except 'gone' really."

S4tD's impassioned speech made the others realize that something must have been amiss, because normally they would not just be so ugly in their violence (violent, yes, but more traditional Star Wars type violence).

So, the Medic was left behind on Crapooine as the heroes entered the ship.
----
Inside the ship, the heroes found a strange character in Jedi robes. He was very tiny.

"Hi everybody!" he said.

"Umm...hi," S4tD said. "Who are you?"

"You remember me!"

"No I don't."

"I'm Minh-I-Miy. I'm mad at you. A good reason is I just woke up from a coma."

Void Zoso, ever vigilant, raised a wary eyebrow. "Uh-huh. If we're supposed to know you, what's his-" he pointed a finger at S4tD "full name?"

The strange figure had no response.

posted 06-18-99 04:31 PM ET (US)            

* * *

posted 06-18-99 07:49 PM ET (US)            

"Let's see...group? Check. Ship? Check. Mayor Walters? Chec....hey, where's the Mayor?" said Pax

"Didn't he get blown up? And weren't we supposed to find Acin and Dylan here?" asked Arby.

"Well, we'd better do both. Let's split up. Pax, Little Goalie, 4-GOM, Furgh and myself will go find Acin and Dylan. Arby, S4tD, Itysxm, Void, Threewood and Gonk will go look for the Mayor." said Qua-Zzit.

The groups split up, leaving Chokeoff to guard the ship, and everyone else inside it.

** ** **

"Any idea where to begin?" asked Pax.

"Yeah. Anything specific to either of the two?" asked 4-GOM "I could scan for that item."

"Yeah, Acin has a special comlink. I know the frequency, it's 2.773 megastats." said Pax.

"Ok.....Let me try scanning for it." said 4-GOM. "Yup, found it. It's about 6 kilometers west."

"Let's go." said Pax.

An hour later, the group had discovered the position where Acinonyx was supposed to be. It turned out to be a deep pit in the sand dunes, with tentacles surrounding it. Qua-Zzit began to step forward, but Goalie cried out.

"No! It's the Exlacc Pit! It'll digest you over a thousand minutes!" yelled Mr. Goalie.

"Apparently not." whispered a faint voice from within the Exlacc Pit.

"Acin? Dylan?" shouted Pax.

"It's me, Acin. Dylan's here too.Some thugs tried to mug us when we came here. They dumped us in this pit when we didn't have money to give them. We've been here 3 days." said Acin, his voice sounding strained.

"Can we get them out?" asked Furgh.

"Maybe...I need something heavy that won't move..." said Pax, thoughtfully.

"There's some heavy stone over there." said 4-GOM, pointing about 10 feet away.

"Good. Now, Little Goalie, grab 4-GOM's hand. 4-GOM, grab Furgh's hand. Furgh, grab Pax's hand. Pax, grab my hand." said Qua-Zzit.

Qua-Zzit quickly ran around the inside of the Exlacc pit, slicing tentacles and grabbing them with his free hand. He then ran out, holding 9 2-meter long tentacles. Qua-Zzit then tied them together., forming an eighteen -meter long "rope".

"Furgh, go tie it to the rock." said Pax.

After it was secured, Qua-Zzit began to rappell down the Exlacc Pit's mouth. After a moment, Acin's head started to come out of the Exlacc pit's aperture. Then Dylan followed, and finally Qua-Zzit.

"I've got our course back." said 4-GOM

"Let's go, I'm thirsty." said Little Goalie.

The group of seven set off.

** ** **

Meanwhile, the other team was combing the area for Mayor Walters. Arby and S4tD had gone to the very edge of the lott, Itysxm, and Gonk were looking close to the ship, and Void and Threewood had gone into the city. After about half an hour, the group in the lot had completely covered the entire lot, with no trace of Mayor Walters. They had, however, found the ships of Acinonyx and Dylan, stashed away in the deep storage part of the lot.

"I'd guess we'd better wait for Void and Threewood to get back." said S4tD

"GONK! GONK. GONK!" said Gonk

"He wants to get out of here. He says he needs an oil bath." translated Itysxm

"Let's go inside, I'm getting tired." said Arby.

Meanwhile, Void and Threewood were traveling through the Bar District of Cras Upta.

"If Mayor Walter is anywhere, he's here." said Void

"Yeah...hey, leave my wallet alone!" said Threewood, swatting his five wood at a pickpocket.

The duo descended into the Cras Upta Cantina. A bad band was playing in the corner, and right in the center was Mayor Walters, with at least 6 empty bottles of Correlian Whiskey next to him.

"God, does this guy ever stop drinking?" asked Threewood.

After a minute, Void was able to wake the mayor.

"Come on Mayor, we're going." said Threewood

"Not so fast, Void." said a mysterious cloaked stranger, pointing a blaster right in Void's abdomen. "Remember me?"

"How could I forget?" said Void "What are you going to do, shoot me?"

"Not just yet. Slobba wants to see you."

"You tell the dirt ball that I've repaid him every credit. He's got nothing on me." said Void, curtly.

"Yeah, right. I guess I'll just shoot you right now..." said the cloaked stranger, getting ready to pull the trigger.

"Hey, what a cool glass..." said Threewood, who had his five wood idily extended. Turning around, he hit the stranger's hand, causing the shot to hit the bartender cleanly between the eyes.

"Aaahh....." screamed the Bartender, dying before he fell to the floor.

"Come on, we've got to get outta here. Grab the Mayor!" yelled Void, as the entire bar erupted into a brawl.

Void, Threewood and the Mayor ran out the door and back to the valet lot.

** ** **

After an hour, Pax's group arrived with Acin and Dylan at the lot.

"So, I see you found the Mayor." said Pax.

"Don't ask." said Void

"Anyway, is the ship ready?" asked Qua-Zzit

4-GOM, who had gone onboard to check the systems, came back out.

"All systems are functioning." he said

"Good, let's go." said S4tD.

The group squeezed into the ship, and took off from Crapooine's surface.

posted 06-18-99 08:06 PM ET (US)            

"You're a funny little droid. Now to modify you!"

As Goalie went through spare parts for different droids, he finally outfitted Gonk with some strange new modifications.

"We'll see how suprised the others are when they switch you on!"

Then he went into the main concourse of the ship where Pax was doing some lightsaber training on a small turret that was firing at him.

"What can I do for you Little Goalie?" Pax said.

"I had a dream one day, I drempt I was a Jedi. People say I have Jedi reflexes, does that mean I have those little things in me that let me channel into the Force?" Goalie responded.

"We'll find out when we reach Coruscant my friend." Pax cooly said

Arby walked in exicted, "We are just about to reach Coruscant Master. You should get everyone ready."

"Furgh, why don't you activate Gonk and bring him to the cockpit, just in case we have another power failure." Pax ordered

posted 06-18-99 10:02 PM ET (US)            

"Furgh, get over here and help me with the ship's computer! There is a little bug that the last owner had with it." Jonathan Clark yelled to Furgh.

Furgh walked over to the other room to help Jonathan Clark.

Pax and Qua-Zzit walked in the room, "Pax, I have setup a meeting with the Jedi Council, you and your Padawan will meet I talk with Master Yogi and the rest." Qua-Zzit said.

"This boy, Little Goalie, I sense that he shall bring balance to the force." Pax cooly said.

"What do you mean by that? Isn't the force already balanced?" Qua-Zzit said questioning Pax.

"Huh? I thought there were too many Sith Lords around that we could use some help and balance it." Pax said.

"No, statistics show that the force is really balanced." Qua-Zzit takes out a Datapad and shows Pax.

"Hmmmm, well, who says we need it balanced, lets get more people on our side." Pax said, walking back to the cockpit.

"Right." Qua-Zzit said, looking at the Droid Gonk. "Hmmm, someone's gotta activate him." Qua-Zzit reached for the activation switch.

"Qua-Zzit, you are needed in the communications room, Master Yogi is pissed about you putting a hole in his beanbag." Itysxm yelled to Qua-Zzit.

"Oh boy." Qua-Zzit said walking to the communications room.

Threewood walked in the room, "Hey, I thought Furgh was going to activate Gonk!" Threewood reached for the activation switch.

"Threewood! Get to the hyperdrive room! There was a malfunction!" FourGom yelled to Threewood. "And get Jonathan Clark while you are at it!" Threewood nods and gets Clark and both of them walked to the Hyperdrive room.

Furgh stepped out of the Computer room. "Oh yeah, gotta activate Gonk!" Furgh walked to the still deactivated droid and reached for the activation switch.

"Furgh! Have you activated that Gonk yet?!" Arby yelled to Furgh.

"No, not yet, I was about to." Furgh yelled back.

"Well forget it, well activate him after we land." Arby yelled back. "We are about to land!"

Furgh shrugs and walked to the cockpit.

* * *

"You are clear to land on platform 869. The Chancellor and the Senator are going there to meet you."

"Thanks." Pax said into the comm and flew the ship to the platform.

Everyone in the cockpit stares at Pax, who was flying around in circles around the platforms. "Uh, Master, whats wrong?" Arby asked.

"There are so many platforms, I have no clue which is which." Pax said, squinting at a nearby platform.

"Oh hell, just land anywhere, I really don't feeling like meeting Senator Grev, nor the Chancellor with no name today." Arby said.

"Right, that looks like a good stable platform." Pax said, pointing to a platform.

The ship lands, and the ship opens. "Someone should activate Gonk." Pax said to the group.

"I will, since I was going to in the first place." Furgh said, running to where Gonk was.

Furgh looked at the droid, reaching for the activation switch, and pulls it.

"Gonked!" Gonk gonked.

"What did you said gonk?" Furgh asked the droid.

"Oh, I said Gonked, it's an expression I use when I'm surprised." Gonk said, not gonked.

Furgh stared at Gonk. "Riiiiiggggghhhhtttt." Furgh got up and walked to the group. "Gonk's activated, and is coming."

"Good." Qua-Zzit said, looking around at the flying ships.

"How do we get off this platform?" FourGom asked everyone.

"I'll contact Master Yogi to pick us up." Qua-Zzit said, taking out his communicator and turned it on. "Yogi, pick us up at one of the platforms."

"Ahhhh, and what number platform this be?" Yogi asked.

"I dunno, your the master, you look for it you hairy ass." Qua-Zzit said.

Everyone stared at Qua-Zzit.

"Trust me." Qua-Zzit looked up at the sky, looking for Yoda's ship.

4GOM checks his sensors for Yogi's ship. "I detect a large ship in the shape of a . . . is that a big boy?" 4GOM asked.

Itysxm coughs, "Ripoff."

"Cover you mouth next time Itysxm." 4GOM said.

The Big Boy lands next to the platform, and out came Master Yogi, 3 feet tall and all. "Find you no problem at all it is. Me like playing hide and go seek. With a ship like that-" Master Yogi pointing at the ship that the group took, "-you guys stand out like a sore thumb."

Pax walked to Master Yogi, "We have no time to lose, Drazen is blockade by Trade Federation ships and we have not much time 'till they start their attack on Drazen."

"Bring me my 7-11 slushi?" Master Yogi asked.

"Wha-?" Pax said.

"No questions from you I say." Master Yogi said. "I want my Slushi."

Qua-Zzit walked over to Master Yogi and picked him up and walked into the big boy ship. "Lets go, he'll go on forver like this without hesitating."

* * *

"This Dark Maw character . . . you say he is a Sith Lord?" Master Maheda asked Qua-Zzit.

"Yes, a Sith Lord." Qua-Zzit said.

"I thought the Sith were extinct they are. My new friend." Master Yogi said.

The room grows silent. "Anyways, Master Pax is asking for permission for him and his Padawan to investigate this character, Dark Maw." Qua-Zzit said.

"Why must he ask permission, strike him down I say. My new friend." Yogi said.

Master Maheda looked at Yogi. "Anyways, bring Master Pax in, I shall grant him his wish."

Qua-Zzit presses a button on his chair. "Send Pax in."

"My beanbag still has that hole, yes indeed." Yogi said to Qua-Zzit.

Qua-Zzit stared at the tiny plastic balls to the side of Master Yogi's beanbag.

"Pay for it you must." Yogi said.

Pax and his padawan Arby walked in. "Jedi Council, it has come to my attention tha-"

"Permission granted." Master Maheda said blankly at Pax.

"I haven't finished my statment yet." Pax said.

"I'm tired of hearing a story twice, permission granted." Master Maheda said, waving his hand around.

Qua-Zzit stared at Pax. "You may bring in the boy, Little Goalie was it?"

"Yeah, hold on."

Little Goalie walked in. "This boy, is capable of reading the future. He i-"

"Yes, so can I. My new friend. Yes indeed." Master Yogi interupted.

Qua-Zzit sighs, "Continue."

"His potential in the force is great." Pax said, putting his hand on Little Goalie's shoulder.

Yogi started again "So is mine, my new frien-"

Qua-Zzit raised his finger at Pax, "Hold on one second please." Qua-Zzit got up, picked up Yogi and threw him at the window, knocking Yogi out the window onto the streets of Coursant. "There, continue."

"Of course, I wish to train him because I foresee that he shall bring balance to the force."

"But Master Pax you alre-"

"Yes! My new friend!" Is heared outside the window.

"What the hell!?" Qua-Zzit said, looking out the window."

Master Maheda waved his hand, "Continue."

"I wish to train Little Goalie."

"But Master Pax, you already have a Padawan, Arby." Qua-Zzit said, sitting back down in his seat.

"Yes, I do, but I feel as if he is ready to take the-"

"Indeed! Yes! My new friend!" Yogi shouted from below.

Qua-Zzit picked up Yogi's beanbag and tossed it out the window. Qua-Zzit looks down, and see's the beanbag hit Yogi right in the face.

"There, continue." Qua-Zzit said, sitting back down.

"I wish to have two Padawans, but that is not allowed in the code." Pax said.

"It is now, I will make it so that it is allowed." Master Maheda said, picking up a huge book and writing in something.

"Anything else Master Pax?" Master Qua-Zzit asked.

"No, but I remind you all that a meeting will begin about how to deal with the blockade at Drazen."

"Yes, the whole council will be there." Master Maheda said.

Pax, Arby and Little Goalie exited the room.

posted 06-18-99 10:25 PM ET (US)            

"Meeting called this is to discuss blockade Drazen, hmmm?" Yogi said, in his mysterious voice.

"I do not believe there is much to discuss, Master Yogi," Pax remarked in his most defiant tone, "Drazen has been blocked. We must unblock it."

"Master Pax is right, Master Yogi," said Arby as he backed Pax up.

"True enough. But the simple statement is the most complex undertaking," said Master Maheda, as he scribled in his scribe. Maheda, a short Jawa, was the minutes keeper of the Council.

"But we must move quickly..."

"I'm sorry. The council has decided. You and your band of renegades or whatever can attempt to investigate the mysterious Sith. That is your job. However, I will bring my apprentice, Padawan Mannix, with me to Drazen itself. We will find the answer to this blockade, one way or another."

"Force be with thou it may," blessed Yogi.

posted 06-18-99 10:41 PM ET (US)            

"Surgge there are two other parties planning an expedition to Drazen. Our attempts may be foiled." Said Dorth in his own mysitcal way.

"Pay them no mind. They can not discover what we left there. A discovery such as this could tear the jedi community apart from its very roots." chirpped Blabba

"ETA to drazen. 12 minutes. are orders are encoded from the leader himself. grab the artifact. and wipe out all in our way." Surrge said.

*cut to Mannix and Mah*

"I really don't understand the gravity of the situation Master." Mannix sighed.

"You will in time young Padawan. But for now stay fixed on the objectives."
Maheda said.

posted 06-18-99 11:58 PM ET (US)            

They all stumbled to their feet, dazed.

"Weren't we just talking about something?" Asked Vadead.

"Something about..." Tried Blabba

"Cheeseburgers!" Finished Surgge.

"And there was something about going to a planet, too..." wondered Vadead.

"Let's just forget that... we need to get cheeseburgers. I'm hungry." Said Blabba.

---

In the Jedi Counsil tower thing.

"What are we going to do about the Drazen situation?" asked Master Maheda.

"Forget it, we shall. Handle it themselves, they can. Hungry, I am. Cheeseburgers, I must find." Wandered Yogi.

"Excellent idea, Master." Said another Jedi Master.

---

Back at the ship, with all the important people.

"So, what's the news?" Asked S4tD as Pax, Qua-Zzit, Arby and Little Goalie approached the ship.

"Nothing, nobodies going to help us. As usual," Said Pax.

"Yogi's to fat and lazy," Spat Qua-Zzit.

"Oh well... So we're going back to Drazen?" Asked Itysxm.

"Yeah, no point in sticking a